Must have a personal relationship

Tonight, I am going to attempt to blog. Right now my house is filled with chaos. The boys are excited and anticipating the first snow of the year. Unfortunately, the storm has not arrived as anticipated by the weather man. So, every 2 seconds somebody is jumping up and looking out a window to see if the snow has started. Then the soliloquy's begin. "When it snows I am going to...." Needless to say, today's schoolwork is still in progress and I do not see it being completed any time soon. The other distractor seems to be the Matt Maher CD "Alive Again." If they are not talking about the impending snow they are singing lyrics from the CD. There is like this non stop chatter, singing, chatter thing going on. I am severely craving some quiet.

There is a restlessness in the house tonight. Even the cats and dog are in on it. The dog keeps looking out the window, maybe wondering what her pups (the boys) are looking at. The cats, who are usually very quiet and rarely seen, have been running around the house chasing each other. So, when the cats run by, the dog has to follow chase. Ever seen a Great Dane chase a cat around a house. It may seem amusing to an outsider, but very nerve racking to me. Kind of like a "bull in the china store" syndrome. So, for me tonight, concentration is at a premium.

Nonetheless, I will attempt this thought I have been pondering since Mass on Sunday. First of all, it is a small world. I am currently on assignment in Heber Valley/Park City UT. I have been trying to find a Catholic church to go to. Went to the Cathedral of the Madeleine in Salt Lake City. It is a beautiful Cathedral, the artwork in a southwest flair . Interesting architecture, artwork, but very impersonal and a long drive up and over the mountain.

Went to the church in Park City. That will be a one time experience. Did not appreciate the priest being openly disobedient to the Bishop and the Catholic Church. After his homily was about how he is openly gay and we are free to worship any way we want, he then wondered why there were not many kids enrolled in the RCIA program. Uh, duhh!!!!! Still scratching my head how this priest has been able to remain in the priesthood.

So, on to the little Catholic Church in Heber City whose only Mass is bilingual. I have to admit, I wasn't really all that thrilled about going. But, I believe it is important to spend time with God, and that communion is necessary to keep one's life in step with Christ. So, we went. And guess what? Just like Goldilocks, this one was just right. It was similar to my Parish in China Spring, TX, which is small. close knit, but very friendly to visitors. The Priest a young hispanic fellow who was obviously not an English speaker as his native tongue. He was little difficult to understand, but very personable, and the fire of God was within him and that made me very happy. After Mass I had a chance to speak with him and found out that a year ago he was a Priest in the Diocese of Austin, TX. HELLO! That is the Diocese where my Parish is located. Reminded by God that this world is smaller than we think. We reminisced for a few minutes about things back in TX. He reminded me of Fr. Guajardo at St.Philips in China Spring, TX. Very welcoming and very approachable.

During the sermon he mentioned to the congregation how we needed to have a personal relationship with God and that we need to teach our children to be prayerful and to lead by example. This Priest was not preaching to the choir. I believe whole heartedly. One must have a relationship with God. A prayer life. A way of knowing spiritually that God exists not just intelectually. St Anselm, in not so easy language, discussed how one must have a relationship with God. "True knowledge, which is never the fruit of aseptic thoughts, but of a contemplative intuition." - St Anselm.

I believe we need to have a prayer life. One can know all about God, read all about God, hear all about God, but will never "know God's existence" in their own life if they do not have a prayer life.

As parents it is even more important we have a prayer life. Our children are constantly watching us, deciding which behaviors they should follow. It is very difficult to tell a child to be prayerful and "Christian like" when we as parents don't even have a prayer life and we disregard our Christian beliefs and live a life "of this world." If we want our children to be followers of Christ we must lead them to Christ, and we lead them by example.

Dust off the Bible and open it. Read from it. Discuss it. God fordbid, a Catholic should memorize a verse or two like our Protestant counterparts. Learn the Ten Commandments and live by them. My boys are far from perfect, but they do have a moral compass unlike their peers. It is difficult to keep this compass pointed in the correct direction "The world," teases them and entices them and at times they do not know which path to take. They have given into temptation, but forgiveness occurs and then a frank and open discussion about why it is wrong in a Christian manner (10 Commandments) occurs. Living a life according to God, the Commandments, a family prayer life and setting an example will show your children how to have a relationship with God. We, ourselves, must have a prayer life and relationship with God, first.

So, my conclusion for tonight is. PRAY. At times, like tonight in my household, it may be difficult to find time for prayer, or soothe the savage, restless souls. And, of course, one can not spend all of their time in prayer, but one must incorporate it into their daily life. Right now I am praying that is snows before bedtime, because I do not think I will have the ability to get these boys into bed, otherwise. Second, One never knows where God wants us to be, so we must leave ourselves open to HIm to guide us. He guided us to St Lawrence Catholic Church in Heber City, UT which I honestly did not think it was going to be a good fit. But hey, what do I know. Obviously, God wanted us there. The Priest invited my boys to alter serve, since St. Lawrence didn't have any alter servers and my boys have been altar servers at St. Philips. I guess this will be our place of worship while we are on assignment here in UT.

Come snow, come.

LIFE IS EVANESCENT

This morning, as I was driving home from work, I witnessed a horrific accident between three semi trucks. Two of them, both pulling double trailers of fuel collided into a fiery plume of smoke and fire. The scariest thing about it, is not only was I the first vehicle behind these three trucks, I had minutes earlier thought about passing them up, but changed my mind and decided to drive a little slower than usual and enjoy the drive and the dawn that was breaking. If I had followed through on my original thoughts, I doubt I would be here recounting this drama.

So, let me back up. Last night, I pulled a twelve hour night shift. It was the perfect kind of busy. I was busy, but not so busy where I couldn't enjoy a little conversation and coffee. I helped deliver two babies during the shift, and was feeling a "nurses high." Similar to a "runner's high." When I walked out to the parking lot, there were several hot air balloons launching, the cold, near freezing mountain air filling my lungs, and the sun rising over the mountains, perfected my "high." I was blissfully "in the moment," truly feeling God's presence and wanting to remain in this moment as long as possible. I was tired, but feeling energized at the same time. I got into my car and put on some worship music and turned up the volume loud, so I could sing out as loud as I desired.

The trip home requires me to drive US Hwy 40 from Heber City, UT to Park City, UT where I then head East for a few miles to Deer Mountain, UT. The stretch from Heber City to Park City is about 10 miles and is a steady steep climb gaining about 3,000 feet in elevation. This stretch of highway is always busy with truck traffic, most of the trucks pull double trailers of fuel from the refineries to the distribution centers. Theses trucks due to their heavy loads are slow moving vehicles, traveling about 20-30 mph up the mountain. The posted speed limit is 65 and most personal vehicles are traveling 50-75 mph up the mountain, depending on how badly they want to stress the engines of their vehicles or be ticketed by the state police who patrol this stretch well.

I usually travel at about 55-60 mph up the mountain and do my best to stay in front of the slow moving trucks. This morning due to my "high" I was traveling a little slower than usual and was willing to remain behind the tankers. Approximately, half a mile ahead of me were three trucks. There were two double trailer tankers and a truck pulling an empty flat bed trailer. The one tanker, who was in the left lane, was able to maintain a faster speed than the other tanker, who was in the right lane. Behind the tanker in the right lane, was the truck pulling the empty flat bed trailer, and due to his light load was able to climb faster than the tanker in front of him. The Flat bed trailer pulled over into the left lane where the truck pulling a double tanker was in the process of passing him. The truck pulling the flat bed trailer obviously was not aware that the truck that just passed him had a second trailer in tow. This caused the the semi with the flat bed trailer to collide with the tanker in the left lane, who then drove off the road into the median and then jack-knifed and caused him to collide with the tanker in the right lane. Four tanks of fuel immediately erupted into a horrendous ball of flames and smoke.

I watched this whole thing take place right before me. I knew the accident was going to occur when I saw the truck with the flat bed trailer change lanes, unaware that the truck that was passing it had a second trailer. I was able to stop safely and I think the rest of the traffic realized that a collision was inevitable between these three vehicles, because traffic behind me and these trucks came to a quick stop without causing chaos or another collision.

As a nurse, it has become second nature to respond in an emergency or crisis. I don't think about it, I just respond. I was a paramedic before I had kids and always keep an emergency response kit in the trunk of the car. I have the knowledge, skill and equipment to respond, and yet, I can't even approach the scene to offer assistance due to the huge fire that is now blazing from spilled fuel. 911 was called and police, fire, ambulance and hazmat crews are dispatched and respond relatively quickly. The ambulance crews don't even bother with rescue and it was obvious that all were deceased when a hurst arrived on scene to take the remains to the county morgue. I am interrogated by the police and give my report of how the incident occurred. I get back into my car and breakdown.

I am frustrated by how all it takes is one persons stupidity to destroy, what is precious: life. I am ridden with guilt, because I wanted to help, I was capable to help, but I was unable to do anything, but watch. The nurse in me is angered that I had to standby and do nothing.

I am shaken to my core. I could have been caught up in that accident if I had not been content to just enjoy the drive. I think of how my children would have awoke to no mother returning home from work. They would have called work wondering why I was not home and would have begun to panic when they were told I left a while ago. How long would it be before they knew what happened to me. These three children who would have nobody to care for them. They would have been left parentless. I am sobbing at this point, unable to hold back the tears that are streaming down my face. I feel so vulnerable and exposed.

I am once again angered, by the stupidity of it all. One persons carelessness, altered the course of the lives of the three truck drivers and their families. I am left with the visual, auditory, and olfactory memories of the collision. I am unnerved by it all. So, thankful my guardian angel protected me and kept me behind these trucks instead of being in the midst of them. I weep tears for the families of the these three men. The wives, children, parents, siblings and all of those who loved these men and will miss them. I mourn for the loss and emptiness they will experience. I pray for the repose of the souls of these three men. I pray that their families will find comfort in the Lord, during this time of brokenness and healing. I pray that they forgive me for not doing anything to help.

I somehow make it home in a daze. I sit in the car and regain some sort of composure before going into the house. I find my children snug in their beds, unaware, innocent to the tragedy and near miss that could have robbed them of their mother. I kiss their faces, they stir slightly and open a sleepy eye. I tell them I love them and they snuggle back into their blankets and they drift back to sleep, comforted by the presence of their mother. I go to my room. I bury my face into my pillows and cry and release the tension, anxiety and fear. I ask for God to wrap his arms around me and allow me to cry on his shoulder. I ask him to protect me and my family.

I want to ask, "Why?," but don't. I know that God will not answer. The answer is not for me to know.

I take to my heart that life is a precious gift, that is tenuous and temporary; evanescent. Every day we live is an incredible gift that we should thank God for and show our thanks by loving our families and all of God's family. A reminder to cherish the ones we love.

Praise be to God, from whom all things come.

Agape

Abigail

Catechism

Sometimes, one of the ways we know we are growing or changing is by taking on challenges which scare us. For example, yesterday I took my boys to the Utah State Fair. After perusing the animal barns and the vendor booths, I let my boys go to the midway. The whole time we were there all they could talk about were which rides they were going to ride. So, when they were allowed to ride the rides they ran to the line of the scariest "thrill ride." Interestingly enough, as it came time to get on the ride, I could see that fear and anxiety were becoming an issue. True to their personalities they accepted or deferred the challenge of getting on the ride. My oldest, who is more cautious and more fearful backed out, just as it was time to hand over his tickets and get on the ride. He sheepishly walked back toward me and began to cry, because he was humiliated he was not brave enough. My middle son, who is my daredevil, got on, but he was not going to sit by his brother's. He was going to prove to everybody he was brave and could conquer any challenge on his own. My youngest son who, unwittingly, was duped by his brother's ended up on the ride sitting all by himself. I could tell by the look on his face that he was scared to death. I couldn't help but chuckle slightly as I realized his predicament. Then I worried if he wold tolerate the ride not having the encouragement of his brother's to remain brave, despite being scared to death. The ride started and I could see my youngest hanging on for dear life with pure terror on his face. Too scared to move, he just clung to the bar for dear life. My middle son was whooping and hollering having the time of his life and loving the independence of his bravery. When the ride was over and they disembarked the ride, my middle son was full of excitement and gave us a second by second reenactment of the ride. My youngest son, walked to me and very stoically informed me that the ride was very scary and he never wanted to ride it again. He didn't cry as I predicted. I was amazed how mature he was being about it. I had anticipated him to cry as soon as he got to me. He didn't. I was impressed how grown up he was about it and then had pangs of sorrow, my baby didn't need me, as much as I thought. He is growing up.

So, it is the same with our faith formation. I have been taking on newer tasks and responsibilities in regards to my faith formation and the faith formation of my children. And each time I take on a new aspect of my faith formation, I am riddled with anxiety. I turn to Christ and tell Him I am scared and like a parent he comforts me. I know I must mature and grow in my relationship with God. As I grow, my anxieties will decrease, and I will turn to Christ and tell Him that this is the scariest thing I have ever done but I will not cry. And unlike me, He won't cry that I don't need Him as much, because my need for Him will endure. I will simply change in how I need Him. Just as my son's need for me will endure, his need for me merely change.

My newest challenge is the reading of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. This is a document over 900 pages long and probes every aspect of Catholicism. No easy task. I have decided I need to do this to help me understand why I believe what I believe and also to teach my children. I am drawn to the Papal Encyclicals and writings from the scholars of the Church. In drawing closer to God, I need to know more about God. I realize this is a daunting task, but I am compelled to move forward with this task. I pray God will give me insight and endurance as I delve deeper into the mysteries of faith and then give me the ability to teach my children and others about what I have learned. To let the world know about God's intense and intimate love for each and everyone of us. I know God has a love for all of humankind and He desires all people to seek Him and grow in their love for Him.

This where I stand today. As I stare at this book in front of me. I am intimidated by it, yet intrigued to find out how I will find God's immense grace for me. I am moved to tears to think anyone could love such a broken and sinful person as me. This little person I am, being called by God to move toward a more personal relationship with the One who is the Great I am. My desire for God is written in my heart and the truth and happiness I seek can only be found in God. I just want to mover ever closer to the heart of my God. He calls and I must follow. How much scarier can that be!

May the blessings of God be upon you all,

In the loving arms of Christ and the Father,

Agape,

Abigail

and a sword will pierce your own heart Luke 2: 35

Then Simeon blessed them and said to his mother Mary, "This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Isreal, and to be a sign that will be opposed so that the inner thoughts of many will be revealed - and a sword will pierce your own soul too." Luke 2: 34-35

Mary, my Blessed Mother, oh how your soul was pierced by the sword as you suffered at the feet of your Son on the cross.

The Blessed Virgin Mary is honored and revered by Catholics. Her humility, obedience and then suffering gives us a role model of true obedience to Him. I myself ask Mary to intercess for me and my children. I know that as a, mother, Mary knows the challenges that I face, the frustration and the sorrow that I encounter. The vulnerability of the souls of my children in this world where God is dismissed is protected by the Holy Mother , who intercesses on my behalf to her Son, Jesus Christ. I pray that I have the love and strength to parent my children through all the difficulties as Mary did.

I am always almost brought to tears when I think of Mary watching her son being beaten, tortured and then crucified on the cross. But, as always God brings us grace through suffering. Mary suffered so she could finish her purification and path to holiness and be worthy of God. For she is the mother of His son. Never did she say no to Him. Maybe through my challenges and suffering as a mother I can be cleansed and purified and made worthy of God and learn obedience to God.

Agape

Abigail Ferrill

He will capture every eye; Even those who pierced Him through will not be able to avert their eyes.

He will capture every eye; Even those who pierced Him through will not be able to avert their eyes. All the nations of the earth will be pierced with grief when He appears. Revelations 1: 7. Jesus know us all whether we are Christian or not. And as John reveals in revelations we will all recognize Jesus when he returns. We will all be stricken with remorse for our sins when he returns. John in Revelations tells us about the end of the world and the return of Christ. There are so many interpretations of this Book in the Bible. I am not even going to attempt to give my interpretation. I merely want to write about a message which is consistent in many of John's writings and this scripture. Sin and forgiveness.

My one son had a bad habit of shoplifting. He would steal candy, gum or some small item from the store. Even when confronted about it, he would not ever admit he was doing something wrong. Of course, as mother I would chastise him, he went to confession, I even had a police officer speak to him about stealing. He persisted until he was caught by store security. A few weeks after the incident we were talking about God and sin and he asked if would be banned from Heaven because of stealing. We talked about sin and confessing our sins to God and the purpose of confession.

As a Catholic Confession is an important sacrament to me. It is a chance to relieve myself of the guilt which weighs me down, but also allows me to return to a life with Christ. The examination of conscience offers me a chance to see what areas of my life I need to work on to improve myself. There is such a wonderful release which comes after confession.

We have all seen the movies where the person goes into the confessional, blesses them self and recites "Father forgive me for I have sinned..." Confession is so much more than that. Confession is a cleansing of the soul, blessing of the soul and reuniting with Christ and unlike the movies depiction, "Father" refers to God the Father, not the Priest.

This is a brief description of how a Catholic confesses sin. Before confession, there is an examination of self or conscience. This is when one reflects on their life recent or distant and think about when they were not living a life according to God. The examination of conscience is a process of going through the 10 commandments and deciding if you have violated any of the commandments. These are the sins which need to confessed. There is a lot of literature which can be found in Catholic Churches or Catholic websites which aid in the examination of self and conscience. The penitent (person confessing sins) then says a prayer to prepare them self for confession.

Receive my confession, O most loving and gracious Lord Jesus Christ, only hope for the salvation of my soul. Grant to me true contrition of soul, so that day and night I may by penance make satisfaction for my many sins. Savior of the world, O goodJesus, Who gave Yourself to the death of the Cross to save sinners, look upon me, most wretched of all sinners; have pity on me, and give me the light to know my sins, true sorrow for them, and a firm purpose of never committing them again.

The Penitent then goes to the Priest to confess their sins. Most people are taught to begin with "Father forgive me for I have sinned. It has been ______ since my last confession." This is a good way to start, it begins the dialogue. One must know/remember that the Priest (Father) is only a mediary for the confession, he guides the penitent to confess the sins and to help the penitent to realize what leads them to their sin and assist them with not repeating the sins. The confession is being said for the "Father" - God! The Priest prays with the penitent, gives counsel and discusses penance to be served.

The penitent then prays the Act of Contrition.

O my God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart.
In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good,
I have sinned against You, Whom I should love above all things.
I firmly intend, with Your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us.

In his name, my God, have mercy.

There are many versions of this prayer, this is the version I use. The priest then offers to God a prayer for absolution of sin and then a blessing for the penitent. The penitent is then free to go and serve there penance.

We are so encumbered by our human selves that we forget God already knows are transgression, He knows if we are sorry, or not, for our sins. What He wants is for us to show Him we are willing to humble ourselves by confessing verbally with a member of our Church "Family" and are we obedient by fulfilling our penance. The opening of our souls and laying it bare at the feet of Christ who died for all of our sins is such a sweet release and allows us to walk hand in hand with Jesus. We can not do this when we are filled with sin because Christ is pure and he does not walk with sin. So, to walk with Jesus we must free our selves form sin. Confession!

God loves all of us and wants a relationship with us. He forgives (unlike us flawed humans) even the worst of sinners if they are truly contrite. God will always forgive us, and like a child being forgiven by their parent, there is a relief of guilt which comes from forgiveness. Forgiveness!

So what I told my son about his thieving was simple. I reminded him of God's love for all of us, and told him "If you are truly sorry for your sin, you confessed your sin, will avoid the sin and serve your penance, then God has forgiven you. He will not ever bar the gates of heaven from a true believer." He seemed relieved to know he was forgiven, not only by me, but by God as well.

A powerful reminder to me, how important it is for all of us to know we are flawed and we NEED forgiveness. Our humanity takes us away from Christ, yet, something as simple and difficult (humility and obedience) as confession can move us closer to God. The sweet release, the peace of soul which is offered when walking hand in hand with Christ.

Confession and Forgiveness! Great blessings from God!