To do what we are ordained by God to do.

As a child we always ask "Why?" whenever we are told to do something. Of course as a parent we respond "Because I told you to." As a child of God it is no different.

It is so difficult to do what we are told. Our selfishness, pride and willfulness leads us to be defiant. Our society rewards us for being defiant, the rebel, or the maverick. But what we want, or desire, or what society rewards or encourages is often different than what God wants us to do.

God calls us to Him and the closer we get to Him the more He asks and demands of us. It is obedience which He asks of us. But not only are we children of God, we are children of this world and this division tears us between obeying or doing what we desire. "Our Father...Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven..." God's will be done here on Earth. That means we are called to do God's will while we are here on Earth.

For some of us that is to be mothers, fathers, missionaries, Priests, Deacons, prayer partners...

No matter what God has ordained of us, we are to do it, because, He has willed it. Because, "He said so."

As parents we are to live our life according to God and we guide our children by leadership from God. Why? because, "He said so." Wives are to follow the guidance and leadership of their husbands who guide and lead them from the leadership of God, because, "He said so."

This submissive obedience is God shaping us and perfecting us. It is a breaking away from our selfishness and wordliness and preparing us for our eternal life. This is doing what we are ordained to do as God has planned for us.

I struggle with this submissive obedience. I like many persons of this world struggle with obeying God and allowing His will to be done and not my will. When I get stuck in this struggle, and I am usually losing the struggle, I am reminded by God as to who is the boss. And when I surrender, it amazes me how all things begin to improve. I am humbled by His power and His desire to lead me. I have to continue to work on my willfulness. The closer I get to God the richer and fuller my life becomes. It does not overshadow the fact that each step closer also means more is demanded of me and don't forget the devil. He will tempt me and try to get between God and I. The struggle, obedience and surrendering to God is not easy, but the rewards are great.

Agape,

Abigail

The Devil

Yesterday I had a total meltdown. I just could not get things accomplished, and every time I encountered an obstacle I would break down and cry. Well, for me that is extremely unusual. I rarely ever cry and when I get frustrated I usually shake it off and move forward. As a travel nurse it is not unusual to pack up and move to the next assignment. So, why was it so difficult this time? I do not know. I feel the Devil was working on me. It felt as if I was totally alone. The kids freaked out because they never see mom cry. Then the dog freaked out when I packed up her crate and then the cats went crazy. It was as if some sort of evil spirit had possessed my home.

At one point in the midst of the confusion and agitation I went to my laptop and opened my Itunes and put on some music. The first song that played was from the album Abba Pater, a CD from the Year of the Jubilee with Pope John Paul's sermons put to music. The Pope's words "Do not be afraid." Hello, lightbulb went off. This was not the work of God and despite the fact I was feeling very alone, I wasn't. My day continued to be full of aggravation, but when I reached the point of no return, I reminded myself I was not alone. When I went to bed, I was exhausted from battling with the Devil. I went to prayer and fell asleep. Not so sure that counts as prayer. I slept hard for about 3 hours and then I was awake for the rest of the night. Big difference though. A sense of peace. I was able to get so much more accomplished today and there were no big freak out sessions for anyone in the house. God carried me through the day, yesterday. Poor guy, I was putting up quite a fight. Only to prove the strength of God and His willingness to carry us. With sleep came peace and a new day.

Within your wounds conceal me. Do not permit me to be parted from you. From the evil foe protect me.

Prayer connects us to God.

Agape,

Abigail

Father Corapi

I have posted some video of Father Corapi to the site. I invite you to view the videos. Father Corapi is an inspiration and a great asset to the Catholic Church. His speeches are powerful. I am always humbled and inspired when I hear him. I have seen him speak once and that was an incredible experience. His bald head, powerful male voice only enhance the message. Enjoy, and be inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Hopeful to leave today for Park City.

May the peace of the Lord be with you all,

Agape,

Abigail

Whom shall I follow

I have been packing and preparing for our move to Park City, UT where my next contract is located. Will attempt to blog as frequently as possible but until I have a place to stay and get settled, approx 1 week, I am not sure if I will be able to blog. It will be nice to be close to my friend Justin. He lives in SLC and we have been friends for a long time, but distance has prevented a relationship, so being just 30 miles away, maybe we will have a chance to find out if a relationship is a possibility. Really stressing out because there is so much to do. I think we were in Denver too long. We are a little too settled. I don't remember the move from Gallup, NM to Denver being quite so stressful and I don't remember as much stuff. well time is limited, so here is my thoughts for today. They are a little weak at the moment. I was much more inspired earlier when I had energy. But now all I can think of is sleep.

John's Gospel, "To whom shall I follow?" It is amazing how the answers are right in front of us and yet we don't hear or see them. Our blindness and deafness prevents us from knowing God. Particularly struck by how Jesus gives us the choice to follow Him. He doesn't beg us, plead with us or try to make a deal or marketing strategy to get us to be His disciples. He is a "take it or leave it" kind of guy. Either you chose to believe and follow or choose not to believe and find your own way. He doesn't ever tell us it will be an easy road to follow. He simply tells us the rewards are great and we can spend eternity with Him and the Father. My son, who has been struggling with believing, heard the word of God today and was touched by the message. He actually had a brief moment of surrendering to God, but continues to struggle. I know God is working in Him and he will know God. "As for me and my house, we will follow the Lord."

Agape,

Abigail

Days like today!

Today, I am tired. I am usually tired after being up all day with the boys and then up all night at work. I come home walk the dog, feed the kids and then collapse and go comatose for 3-4 hours. I wake up and get going with the day. Homeschooling, preparing meals and then heading off to work again. It drains me physically, and I become prone to bad behavior. I am grumpy, cranky and tend to be less patient. It is days like to today that I need God to work His grace in me. I am at my weakest and most human moments when I am tired, and I become more like the person I do not want to be. I have to remind myself that God is shaping me and my children. This is when surrendering is the most difficult. I don't want to change. It is easier to remain the way I am. It is easier! I do not how to change when I am tired and can barely accomplish day to day tasks, let alone, work on my spiritual formation. I know if I ask God for the strength He will give it to me. I need to listen harder and pay closer attention to the whispering in my ear. I have decided to go to prayer today and see if God can help me with being more loving and patient with my children on days like today.

God's Grace to all,

Agape

Abigail

Lay your suffering at the feet of Jesus

Well, Here I am again. Got my Macbook back, thank God!!!!! And I mean thank God. Nobody (none of the kids) is confessing to dropping the Macbook. Laptop had to be sent off to the shop to be fixed. Very thankful and so are the kids that it was under warranty. $400 to repair. The kids know how irate I would have been if I had to pay for the repairs. Probably why nobody is confessing. That, and it is ILLEGAL to touch mom's laptop without express permission. I was dependent on the old PC which will soon be replaced by an Apple computer. It was state of the art a few years ago but has become such a slow clunker of a PC. So, I am reminded how much I enjoy my Mac and how dependent I have become to it.

I was FBing earlier when a friend from the other side of the planet started a chat. Mind you, this is a very dear friend and despite being separated by thousands of miles we are never far from each other's thoughts and heart. Distance, culture, economics and geography has always been an obstacle but the conversation always starts where it last ended. My friend was on vacation for most of July. Due to where she was vacationing, there is no internet provider, I doubt cell phone service and possibly limited electricity. No, she did not vacation in a 3rd world country, just a remote area of Norway, which is the country where she lives.

She was obviously refreshed from her vacation. The conversation was lively and then she dropped a bomb. A bomb of incredible good news. I only know tidbits of it, she states the rest is to come. She is planning to come to the U.S. and it sounds permanent. My dearest friend and I on the same continent. (I am on the verge of tears of happiness when I write this.) This is a dream come true for both of us. I told her about the spiritual and emotional fight that I had been experiencing. I told her how she was the 1st of the many good things God had shown me in my dreams to come true. It renewed my belief that I am doing what God wants. God works in so many different ways, it always amazes me. How can anyone refute his existence.

2nd topic:

My eldest son is grappling with believing in God. He is like the apostle Thomas who needed evidence that Jesus was alive. My son is so grounded in needing concrete, tangible , tactile, in the real world proof that God exists. I think the Devil is at work here. I continue to call upon St Michael the archangel, St Joseph the father of Jesus, the priest from our parish to continue to show my son that God and Jesus are real.

My son, who battles with Bipolar disorder is always asking why God made him this way. I believe his disorder is his blessing and his salvation. He sees it as his burden. I believe we all suffer in some way, be it physical, emotional, financial, etc... We are given a burden to carry, such as Jesus, who carried His own cross. This suffering is what draws us nearer to God or further if we choose. I suggest he go to prayer and I offer to pray with him, but he just replies why would I want to talk to Mr perfect. My heart breaks when he says this. Because Jesus was not perfect. He was human, flesh and blood and He suffered a horrible death. Dying displayed on a cross between 2 thieves with a crowd hackling and jeering at Him. Yet, His death was the salvation for all of those who hated Him and chanted for His Crucifixion. How incredible, salvation for mankind manifested through the death of the earthly body of God's son. I know the pain, cry the tears that His mother cried as she was at His feet and watched Him suffer and die. I watch my son suffer and I am as helpless as Mary was on that day. In a way I am watching my son die a spiritual death and I know that rebirth can be found through the Holy Trinity. I pray to God, petition the saints and angels to begin the conversion of his heart to return to Jesus, where his heart and soul will find peace.

For all of those who suffer, have faith. Take your suffering and pain and lay them at the feet of Jesus. He will take your pain and suffering and he will renew you. Go to prayer and ask Jesus to be in your life and ask Him to take your suffering and pain. He has already suffered for all of humanity and he will take your suffering and give you new life in Him.

God's Blessing to all

Agape

"I was looking outside, As if love would ever want to hide"

"I was looking outside, As if love would ever want to hide," are lyrics from Matt Maher's song Alive Again. So simple, and so profound. I never thought about it, but why would love want to hide. Yet, we as people are constantly looking outside ourselves to find love and never bother to look inside ourselves and realize we are the genesis for love. We have the ability to love and the more we love the more love we create. It is exponential and it feeds upon itself. The ability to love comes from within us and yet we look outside ourselves. We look for love and acceptance from people, things and places. Why? Love does not want to hide, yet we hide it. We withhold love, we prevent persons from knowing us and loving us or we just refuse to accept love. It is a blindness or deafness we create. Supposedly, to protect ourselves from being hurt.

Yet, those who have taken the precarious step to love others and ignore the harrowing dangers of rejection find themselves surrounded by more love and respect than they ever could have imagined. I am reminded of Blessed Mother Theresa of Calcutta, who left her Order of Nuns and went out onto the streets of Calcutta and began ministering to the poorest of the poor. She ministered to the street urchins whom nobody else would go near. Before she knew what was happening she had her own Order of Nuns, and more love, adoration and respect than she ever expected. Eventually, she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. She found love inside of herself and gave it away freely.

It is the same kind of love that a mother experiences when she holds her child for the first time. It just spontaneously occurs. A profound love which binds a mother to her child for a lifetime and is what enables a mother to love her child no matter what their faults are. This is a love which comes from God. It is never ending and it is spontaneous and reproducable.

I myself am at fault for withholding love and looking everywhere but inside of myself to find love. I am probably one of the world's worst. I do not want my heart broken again. What kind of fool do you think I am? There is a safe feeling with being alone. It is cold and calculated and I am in complete control. I only have myself to blame and I do not have to face criticism or possibly rejection. I am strong and powerful. I keep my heart locked up tight behind a fortress any military defense system would be jealous of. No one is going to break my heart the way my ex husband did! I say that and then I instantly feel the pains of the loneliness I have brought upon myself. I think of the men whom I have dated and think of how I pushed them away by withholding love. I never allowed them to know me, nor did I allow God into the relationship. Lessons learned? Hopefully. Only the future will tell how this current relationship will go. I have to work very hard at allowing myself to be vulnerable, to allow myself to love and to ask God to do His will. Which is why these lyrics hit me so squarely in the jaw. It is so humiliating and humbling to submit myself to God, and yet when I do, God always blesses me in ways I never anticipated. To find myself in a more perfect union with God, I have to look within myself to find the never ending fountain of love which God placed within me.

Love is not hidden from us, we simply hide it from ourselves. God wants to love us and have a relationship with us. We simply have to surrender to Him and accept Him. "As if love would ever want to hide!" Why should it, it is a gift given to humanity.

You want me to do what???!!!!!

So, Welcome to my blog.

I am sure those who know me are probably wondering "Why a blog?" Why one about my struggle with surrendering my life to God. Like, who cares! Well, one person cares and He is the reason I have started this venture.

For those who have experienced God and Christ in their life, they know it is a struggle. It is difficult to live in this world, to live in the here and now, and somehow balance that with moving towards one's ethereal eternal life. I stuggle with this daily. I try to be the best, Catholic, homeschooling, mother I can be, while attempting to be a good employee, a competent and trustworthy nurse (my profession), a good Catholic and attempting to lead my children to God. Did I mention I am single/divorced and rearing these children alone. How does one cram all of this into one life, one day, one hour. I don't know. That is why I struggle.

I want those who also struggle to know they are not alone.

I came to truly know God as an adult. I was raised Catholic and my faith was improtant to me, but not important enough to interfere with my life. I rarely went to Mass, did not observe the holy days of obligation, feast days and really knew nothing more than the basics about Catholicism. Then I hit a roughspot in my life. I struggled with my decisions and kept on ignoring God. But God is persistent and He did not give up on me. I heard Him calling me and I only gave in when it was oppurtune for me. I slowly allowed Him into my life. I continued to struggle with my faith and my decisions. God began to send people into my life who were people of faith and He began His biggest transformation in me. Sometimes it was quick and other times it was slow and burdensome. I have come to learn more about my faith and have found that I have to have God in my life. But, I fail. When things get going easy, I forget about him and think I have complete control of my life. Then god gives me a "shake," a "wake up call," and forces me to take my faith to the next level. That is what is happening here. God, pretty much gave me a slap in the face, a reality check.

I was listening to some music, a new single release by a favored Catholic musician. I was compelled to replay the song over and over again. I just could not figure out why I needed to hear it again and again. The tears began to flow and the words of the song spoke to me. They did not speak in a soft and gentle way, they yelled at me and completly unsettled me. I struggled with what did God want with me. I am just trying to trudge my way through life, leave me alone why don't ya! I felt the fight in me, the struggle, the need to know God better, yet I wanted to stay in my safe place. God was telling me I needed to move out of my safe place and surrender myself to Him. How scary! To give up control of my life. I am a control freak. I need to know I have control over everything.

I could not fall asleep that night, and when I did my dreams were filled with unsettling images of my life and my tenuous and failed realtionships. These dreams kept repeating and when I got up in the morning I was more exhausted than when I went to bed. I could not stop thinking about what God was trying to tell me. I was plagued all day. The lyrics of the song kept coming to mind. The next night the dreams occurred again, this time they ended differently. In my dreams I was a messenger for God. I told people of my struggle with surrendering myself to him and how my life changed forever when I did. My life became blessed. Many of my struggles ended and my relationships improved. Even the relationship with my children improved.

When I awoke in the morning I knew I needed a way to speak to people and let them know of God's love. But how? Like always, God caught me off gaurd. My laptop was having problems and I had an appointment to take the computer in for diagnostics. While I was waiting for the technician to figure out what was wrong with my laptop, I began wandering around the store looking at the displays of new computers and features. There it was! It was like I just got smacked in the face. God pointed his finger and said "There is your venue. use your gift of writing and storytelling and spread the message." I just stood there. I was frozen with fear and anxiety. What the heck! I have never blogged before or even thought about blogging. It plagued me all day today until I began figuring out how to create my own blog. And, lo and behold, the more I type, the more I feel God's grace upon me. God's grace is enough for me. That is all the motivation I need.