So, let me back up. Last night, I pulled a twelve hour night shift. It was the perfect kind of busy. I was busy, but not so busy where I couldn't enjoy a little conversation and coffee. I helped deliver two babies during the shift, and was feeling a "nurses high." Similar to a "runner's high." When I walked out to the parking lot, there were several hot air balloons launching, the cold, near freezing mountain air filling my lungs, and the sun rising over the mountains, perfected my "high." I was blissfully "in the moment," truly feeling God's presence and wanting to remain in this moment as long as possible. I was tired, but feeling energized at the same time. I got into my car and put on some worship music and turned up the volume loud, so I could sing out as loud as I desired.
The trip home requires me to drive US Hwy 40 from Heber City, UT to Park City, UT where I then head East for a few miles to Deer Mountain, UT. The stretch from Heber City to Park City is about 10 miles and is a steady steep climb gaining about 3,000 feet in elevation. This stretch of highway is always busy with truck traffic, most of the trucks pull double trailers of fuel from the refineries to the distribution centers. Theses trucks due to their heavy loads are slow moving vehicles, traveling about 20-30 mph up the mountain. The posted speed limit is 65 and most personal vehicles are traveling 50-75 mph up the mountain, depending on how badly they want to stress the engines of their vehicles or be ticketed by the state police who patrol this stretch well.
I usually travel at about 55-60 mph up the mountain and do my best to stay in front of the slow moving trucks. This morning due to my "high" I was traveling a little slower than usual and was willing to remain behind the tankers. Approximately, half a mile ahead of me were three trucks. There were two double trailer tankers and a truck pulling an empty flat bed trailer. The one tanker, who was in the left lane, was able to maintain a faster speed than the other tanker, who was in the right lane. Behind the tanker in the right lane, was the truck pulling the empty flat bed trailer, and due to his light load was able to climb faster than the tanker in front of him. The Flat bed trailer pulled over into the left lane where the truck pulling a double tanker was in the process of passing him. The truck pulling the flat bed trailer obviously was not aware that the truck that just passed him had a second trailer in tow. This caused the the semi with the flat bed trailer to collide with the tanker in the left lane, who then drove off the road into the median and then jack-knifed and caused him to collide with the tanker in the right lane. Four tanks of fuel immediately erupted into a horrendous ball of flames and smoke.
I watched this whole thing take place right before me. I knew the accident was going to occur when I saw the truck with the flat bed trailer change lanes, unaware that the truck that was passing it had a second trailer. I was able to stop safely and I think the rest of the traffic realized that a collision was inevitable between these three vehicles, because traffic behind me and these trucks came to a quick stop without causing chaos or another collision.
As a nurse, it has become second nature to respond in an emergency or crisis. I don't think about it, I just respond. I was a paramedic before I had kids and always keep an emergency response kit in the trunk of the car. I have the knowledge, skill and equipment to respond, and yet, I can't even approach the scene to offer assistance due to the huge fire that is now blazing from spilled fuel. 911 was called and police, fire, ambulance and hazmat crews are dispatched and respond relatively quickly. The ambulance crews don't even bother with rescue and it was obvious that all were deceased when a hurst arrived on scene to take the remains to the county morgue. I am interrogated by the police and give my report of how the incident occurred. I get back into my car and breakdown.
I am frustrated by how all it takes is one persons stupidity to destroy, what is precious: life. I am ridden with guilt, because I wanted to help, I was capable to help, but I was unable to do anything, but watch. The nurse in me is angered that I had to standby and do nothing.
I am shaken to my core. I could have been caught up in that accident if I had not been content to just enjoy the drive. I think of how my children would have awoke to no mother returning home from work. They would have called work wondering why I was not home and would have begun to panic when they were told I left a while ago. How long would it be before they knew what happened to me. These three children who would have nobody to care for them. They would have been left parentless. I am sobbing at this point, unable to hold back the tears that are streaming down my face. I feel so vulnerable and exposed.
I am once again angered, by the stupidity of it all. One persons carelessness, altered the course of the lives of the three truck drivers and their families. I am left with the visual, auditory, and olfactory memories of the collision. I am unnerved by it all. So, thankful my guardian angel protected me and kept me behind these trucks instead of being in the midst of them. I weep tears for the families of the these three men. The wives, children, parents, siblings and all of those who loved these men and will miss them. I mourn for the loss and emptiness they will experience. I pray for the repose of the souls of these three men. I pray that their families will find comfort in the Lord, during this time of brokenness and healing. I pray that they forgive me for not doing anything to help.
I somehow make it home in a daze. I sit in the car and regain some sort of composure before going into the house. I find my children snug in their beds, unaware, innocent to the tragedy and near miss that could have robbed them of their mother. I kiss their faces, they stir slightly and open a sleepy eye. I tell them I love them and they snuggle back into their blankets and they drift back to sleep, comforted by the presence of their mother. I go to my room. I bury my face into my pillows and cry and release the tension, anxiety and fear. I ask for God to wrap his arms around me and allow me to cry on his shoulder. I ask him to protect me and my family.
I want to ask, "Why?," but don't. I know that God will not answer. The answer is not for me to know.
I take to my heart that life is a precious gift, that is tenuous and temporary; evanescent. Every day we live is an incredible gift that we should thank God for and show our thanks by loving our families and all of God's family. A reminder to cherish the ones we love.
Praise be to God, from whom all things come.
Agape
Abigail
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