I am so thankful for the ability to love. I have not always been able to say that. For many years I used my broken heart as a reason not to love. But as incredible as God is, He brought love back to me. He was quiet and slow about it. He used the power of friendship to heal me. Sometimes we just do not see what is right before our faces. The true gifts which we are given.
I thank God every day for my best friends. My childhood best friend still is my best friend and confidante. There is a constant comfort of knowing no matter how badly I fail or fall, my friend will be there and there will be no judgement or removal of friendship due to my failure. She knows me better than myself sometimes and she calls me out when I don't want to face the reality of a situation. she wants the best for me. She laughs with me, she cries with me, she walks along side of me, her silence sometimes the best companion, she wants nothing for me but my happiness. I never have to ask, she simply gives and hopefully I have been just as good a friend to her as she has been to me.
My other best friend I have known for over 6 years. It never started as whirlwind romance or even as a powerful friendship. That is why I say God worked slowly and quietly. God in His infinite wisdom introduced me to Justin just as I was at the end of hope. I truly despaired. I had been divorced for over 2 years and had had a few unsuccessful relationships. A relationship had just ended. It was a sudden, unexpected and a devastating ending for me. I knew one thing and that was I did not want to trust or love again. God had other plans for me. He introduced me to Justin. I initially was not impressed. Honestly, I thought he was a bit conceited and a jerk. He persisted. I was polite. God worked His magic.
At some point I began to like the man. I found that I enjoyed his conversation, wit, intelligence and amazed by his quiet patience. We made arrangements to spend a week vacationing together with our families. By the end of the week it was pretty well established that we had a strong friendship, but that is where it ended. There weren't any exciting flashes of lightning in the romance department. I went home with my kids and time and distance came between Justin and I and we fell away. Talking once or twice a month on the phone and it was not unusual for a week or more to go between emails with only a short curt response. A couple of year later we got together again for a vacation with our families. Again, I realized how much I liked this man. We got along great, we had incredible conversations, he made me laugh as no one has made me laugh and it seemed at times he knew me better than I knew myself. The last night of the vacation upon my questioning him he explained to me why he never pursued a romantic relationship with me, and I was broken. He couldn't pursue a relationship with me because of my children. They were just too rowdy and unruly for his taste. True to Justin and his demeanor, he was honest and honorable. I sure didn't see it that way at the time.
I went home and vowed to myself I would never speak to the man again. I ignored all of his phone calls, did not respond to his email and all communication went dead after a few weeks. Almost three years went by and one day, out of thin air, he called me. Enough time had passed and I had healed enough to be able to talk to him without my anger and hurt getting in the way. We talked for a few minutes and said our goodbyes. I hung up and cried as I have never cried before.
I realized how much I had missed his friendship and how much he had meant to me. I was not ready to forgive or forget. Over the next year we would talk sporadically and email every once in a while. Our conversations increasingly longer and more and more he was endearing himself to me. I asked him why he started calling me again. He simply responded he missed me and was curious what had happened to me. I told him there was no point in pursuing a friendship. My boys and I are a package deal, you don't get one without the other. He told me he understood that and he was willing to work on improving his relationship with them. Skeptical and still not ready to forgive or forget Justin, we resumed our friendship.
This time something was definitely different. I saw a willingness on his part to accept my boys and interact better with them. He was more like a father to them. Which has caused it's own set of problems, but my boys have never had a father figure and there is going to be growing pains with that. We quickly became best of friends again. Forgiveness came and healed the wounds.
His quiet patience, honesty and honor are qualities I have come to cherish. I admit I can be impossible, selfish and just plain difficult. He has been quietly patient; waiting for me to realize the changes I need to make in myself and allows me to change on my own. And of course, exalts in me when I have changed for the better. My own personal fan club. Life just can not be better than that.
He is honest but not brutal. He simply tells things as they are. His intention is not to hurt but for a self examination. This, I must admit, was an aspect of his personality I had difficulty learning to deal with. It was completely disconcerting. I am more accustomed to people pointing out my faults by belittling me and insulting me. So, for him to just point out a defect in thought, action or personality, and not followup with a belittling comment was hard for me. I would challenge him and try to argue with him, because I just knew that there had to be something insulting to be said. His quiet patience persisted. I learned. It is not his nature to insult or belittle. I have come to love this about him. Through his honesty and quiet patience he has changed me in many ways.
Justin is an honorable person and that is a quality which is extremely rare today. He is willing to sacrifice the moment for the betterment of the future. I am more accustomed to the post modern societal norm of being used and discarded. I sure did not understand that years ago when I was being pushy and demanding a more sexual relationship with him. He was willing to let me go without any dishonor occurring to either one of us. He knew true love was letting the the one you love go. What an incredible gift. I can see that now. We both needed to change. We both need to grow in our understanding and knowledge of each other. His quiet patience, honesty and honor victorious.
He has changed me in many ways. I too, have changed his life. We have both taught the other how to trust and love again. I didn't realize this until he told me how much he appreciated me and our friendship. He told me he was willing to love again, because of me. He told me how he was first attracted by my wit and intelligence (huh?) and as time went by it was my smile, laughter, joy of life and sweetness (double huh?) that allowed him to fall in love and trust again. And now, he dislikes any day that goes by when we don't talk, text or email each other. We cherish the moments when we are in each others company and we have both come to delight in the family we are becoming.
It has been over 2 years since we made a second attempt at our friendship and I personally couldn't be happier. Please do not think that all is perfect, because it isn't. I do not think any relationship is. We still have hurdles to get over and obstacles in the way. What I do know is that with Justin in my life, I will not only overcome but be a better person for it.
I know when he pulls me into his arms, holds me tight against him and presses his lips upon mine that he is sharing of himself with me. An incredible gift which I know he does not give away freely to anyone undeserving of his love. I feel safe in his embrace and sometimes the most incredible things that he says is when he says nothing at all. His smile and his actions say it all.
Love didn't come quickly It didn't come with a flash of lightning, no burning bush or great flood, nor with the power of a hurricane. Like a gentle snow falling, it was soft, slow, quiet and gentle. Unknown to us, God was changing us and making us the person we needed to be to see the true beauty of the other. Philia, Agape and Eros. One step at at a time my friend became my best friend and then we found affection and love. Neither was looking for love, but God thought it should be so, so, He made it so. Praise be to God and His infinite grace and wisdom.
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