My heart tonight is repeating the beautiful and intimate lyrics of the song, "Set Me as a Seal" Do we not all dream of a beautiful, intimate relationship. We are so blind sometimes. We have the most incredible love off all with Christ and God and it is exquisite and the most intimate of any love we will ever know. No human is capable of the love that is found in Christ. And best of all, we are capable of love and intimacy because we are loved that way by Christ.

Set me as a seal on your heart. For strong as death is love, unyielding as the grave. Nothing will quench its flame. Kiss me, my love, that your name be on my lips. You intoxicate my being with the fragrance of your presence. How beautiful you are, my darling. Show me your face, let me hear your voice. Sweet as the dew in the early morn, like a lily among the thorns. I looked for you, the one my heart loves. I looked for you, but did not find you. I searched through the night until I rested in your sight. Now, I will never let you go. You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes. Your lips so sweet, adorned with honey. My hands, they drip with myrrh. Set me as a seal on your heart. For strong as death is love, unyielding as the grave. Nothing will quench its flame.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Am I a child of this world or am I a child of God?

Who am I?

I know not.

I live in this world surrounded by my ambition, selfishness and greed, and I am seduced by it all. My appetite insatiable. I am in love with this world and this world becomes my lover and seducer. I fall deeper into the arms of my seducer. I turn back and see Him. He holds His arms out to me. I smile, laugh and turn away from Him and turn back towards my destruction. My lover is charming and cunning. I am swept away by my lover as he whispers empty promises in my ear and fills my heart with lust and desire. Everything is shiny and glitters. It is empty and leaves me wanting more. I want it all and my lover tells my I can have it all.

I feel that there is something more. I keep taking and taking. I never find what it is that I am searching for. I do not even know what I am looking for. I just want more. Sin fills every caveat of my life. I feel nothing but desire for more. I am jealous, angry and empty. My lover no longer finds favor with me for I have become what he has made of me. I am filled with bitterness and nothingness. He leaves me for another. There has to be something more. My lover and seducer promised me so. "Take it if you want it, it is yours."

My body slumps against the wall. I fall to the ground. Despair fills every crevasse of my soul. I feel the demons attacking me, biting at me, wanting their part of my soul. For I have had the devil as my lover, now he demands my soul as his. I don't fight back. I let the demons steal my heart and I grow numb as the devil exacts his price upon my soul. My mind is weak and I succumb to the nightmarish hell that is my life. My lover and seducer has reduced me to this.

He calls my name. I want Him to stop. I am safe in my numbness and despair. I do not want to find my way out of this fog. He calls again. I move further into my unfeelingness, wanting Him to leave me alone. Does He not know I want to be left alone. Despair is a comfortable companion. It doesn't demand anything of me, simply keeps me right where I am at. I never have to move again. He calls me again. He whispers my name in my ear, I feel His breath on my neck. He is so near. I am paralyzed with fear. He whispers to me "Be not afraid, I go before you always."

I open my eyes only to be blinded by the pure light of His love. He raises my face to His and He gazes into my eyes. I can not hold His gaze. His eyes see right through my lies, the games I play and the sinner that I am. I am ashamed. And yet, He holds me close to His heart. He holds a failure, a nobody, a lover of the world close to His heart. His saving grace embraces me. I feel His love. For the first time in my life, I feel real love. An everlasting love. A love that exacts no price upon me. I know "I am His."

He knows my heart and forgives me of my every sin and makes me new again. I give my life to Him and my soul is His. I have a new lover. He is a gentle lover. He does not lead me astray. He is with me always. He gently holds my hand when I am strong. He catches me when I fall and He carries me when I am weak. He rejoices in my happiness. When I am vulnerable or when my past haunts me and the demons are at my door, He holds me tight against his breast and loving heart and He covers me with His saving blood.

I know not where my path leads me. I can not see more than one or two steps ahead of me. I do not fear, for I know He leads me. He will not betray me. He will not forsake me for another. His love is great.

I feel His love everywhere. I see His beauty in everything I see. More and more each day I live my life the way He asks me to. He rewards me more than I can imagine. His love and grace is endless. I walk with Him and sit beside Him surveying the beauty of His world. I look at Him and smile. He looks at me and asks "Who are you?" I am taken aback. How does He not know who I am. My lover questions who I am. My heart is broken. With tears falling from my eyes, I whisper "I am Yours." He smiles a beautiful, gently loving smile and replies, "Yes, you are Mine, a child of God."

He touches my face and wipes my tears away. I hold His gaze. I am no longer ashamed to look into His eyes. I jump up, my heart is filled with joy. I shout "I am a child of God. I have been emptied out, made clean and made beautiful again. I am a child of God and the Lord is my saviour and lover. I begin to dance, the wind lifts my hair and the sun shines upon me. I dance to the Lord and He smiles and laughs with joy. I know I am His great delight and His joy and love reigns within my heart and soul.

I know now,

Who I am.

I am a child of God, not a child of this world.

That is who I am!

Todays readings

Read this first.

http://prepareformass.wordpress.com/2009/11/02/thirty-second-sunday-in-ordinary-time/

All I need to say is that there is nothing that we can give the Lord that will ever match what He has given to us. For, everything we have has been given to us from Him. Everything!!! There is nothing you have that did not come from God. We hold back not wanting to fully give. We do this not just with money, but with our time, with our hearts in relationships, and with the gifts we share with the Church. May the Lord make you poor in spirit and you give of your poverty. God has given you everything you have with what little you have given Him. Imagine what you will receive when you give from your poverty, not your surplus.

Peace of the Lord be with you all,

Agape

Abigail

Christ is risen from the dead. There is hope again.

I was awoken this morning to a phone call that my brother in law passed away. He did not die of natural causes. He was successful in his attempt at suicide. At first, I was completely shocked. Grief overtook me. Like most people, I cried. Overwhelmed by sorrow for his wife, his two teenaged daughters, his mother and father, his brother and sisters and everybody who may have known him. An unnecessary loss of life. And then, I became angry.

I was angry because I would have to break this news to my children. How dare he. My children do not need to be exposed to this aspect of life, not yet! Angry that he was selfish and left his daughters to grieve his loss and no longer have a father. Angry that his wife was left alone, with two grieving daughters and left to pick up the pieces he left behind. Angry that his parents were suffering their unnecessary loss. Angry! Angry! He didn't solve anything by dying. He just didn't have to deal with it any more. He left the living to deal with his death and the remainder of his life which didn't end with his death. Angry!!!!! Suicide fixes nothing!

I will be quite honest, I hate death. I know that with life comes death. It is a never ending cycle. We all must die. I hate the loss or void which is left. As a nurse, I deal with death on a fairly regular basis. It doesn't get any easier the more you deal with it. It is a loss no matter if it is expected or not. Sometimes death comes quietly and peacefully. Sometimes it is violent, emotional and exhausting. Sometimes it is unexpected. No matter what, it is final. Those left behind have a void in their life. A rift which will have to heal.

I want to say my brother in law went to heaven. I don't know. I know he believed that there was a God, but that is where his spiritual life ended. He didn't attend a church and he didn't pray, that I am aware of. I know he suffered with depression and self medicated with alcohol. I know suicide is murder of one's own soul. A mortal sin. My son's want to know if their uncle went to Heaven. The best answer I can give them is hopefully before he died he made all things right with God. God offers us salvation up until the moment of death. I offered condolences to my sons and we offered up prayers for the repose of his soul.

My eldest son is angry that God took his uncle away. We discussed how God lost his one and only Son. God was angry! He darkened the skies for three hours after the death of His son. The skies opened up. He wept! God knows the suffering we experience. God gave his Son to us as hope, as a saviour from eternal death and we know that know matter how dark in despair we are, there is hope. God is hope. Christ is Hope. The Holy Spirit is hope. We are to lay our worries and anxieties at the feet of Christ and offer them up to Him. (I wish my brother in law had done this.) Christ will take them from us and ease our burden, but we must turn to Christ, first. Christ will give us rest. We must heed His call and follow. Living "of this world" leads to despair. It takes us away from Christ and places fears in our mind and we are overwhelmed. It is Satan at his best. The Holy Trinity is the only solution.

As my sons and I move through the stages of grief we also move to the rhythm of God's love. I pray that the rest of the family will turn to God and allow him to take their grief and move to the rhythm's of His Grace and allow healing and love to exist.

Christ is risen from the dead. He trampled over eternal death with His death. Death and Hell have lost their victory. He paid the price for humanity so that we do not have to suffer. But only through Christ can we be relieved of our sufferings. Hope! Hope springs eternal. Eternal is the Father's love for us. His love is intoxicating, greater than any drug or alcohol.

For those who despair, give Christ your sorrows, anxieties and failures. He will take them. He wants them. He wants to take you into His arms and hold you and love you. All you have to do is turn to Him and allow Him to work His grace in your life. I wonder how different today would be if my brother in law had done just that. How different his life and his families life would be. Despair and suicide are not solutions. God is.

Amen and Agape,

Peace be to all,

Abigail

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

One thing that I feel I never obtain enough of, is rest. I work 40+ hours a week. Some of those hours are done during the middle of the night. I rear three boys, alone, and those three boys are home schooled by me. So, sleep or rest, is something that is at a premium for me. Yet, when I think I can not go another moment without completely collapsing from exhaustion, I remember that Christ always offers rest to the weary. I only have to remember that Christ will always give rest to the weary if only I ask. Many times, I forget to ask for help or to ask for rest. It is a flaw of mine which I work diligently to change. It is so simple, yet, so difficult. It requires humility to recognize I need rest. A respite from this world which can be obtained from prayer. A simple prayer and recognizing Christ is in charge. It is a relief. I find rest in the arms of Christ, when I am at my weakest and most fatigued. I am not alone in this world, despite what I may think.

So, I want to offer to every one; rest. Rest which is not obtained from sleep, but rest from our anxieties, disappointments or whatever fatigues our soul. Those of us who have accepted Christ as our Lord and Saviour have found rest in Jesus. Those who have not, can receive rest if they come to Him. He promises to give rest to the weary. Let us gladly accept what He desires to freely give us. Jesus wants to give us rest. He died on the cross for our salvation and our sins. Why would he not want to provide you with rest?

You do not need to buy, beg, borrow or steal to obtain it. It is free. You can receive it as a gift from God. God's grace, a gift from heaven, just for you! Jesus will set you free. He will set you free from the bonds which prevent you from rest. If you are burdened with sin, anxiety, sorrow... come to Him, He will give you rest. He carried the crushing weight of humanities sin so that you and I no longer have to carry it. Jesus gives us rest! Come to Jesus by praying to Him. Believe in God’s Word, the Gospel, and surrender yourself to Him.

If you come to Him, the respite He gives you will be Holy and eternal. He gives you rest which leads you to Him in heaven. He offers respite to all who call upon him. And best of all He gives it freely. So, call upon the Lord, if you are ready to rest.

May the peace of the Lord be with you,

Agape

Abigail

God in this world

God in this world. Today I want to explore one of my favorite things; Nature. I love Nature. Nothing makes me feel more at peace or closer to God than when I am out being a part of His glorious creation. I have a profound sense of how incredible God is and how perfect everything in His creation is.

I love to hike. As I wander through the forest, I see trees, flowers, birds... Each thing has it's purpose and is intermingled with all the other things. Birds need the trees for their nests, and twigs and leaves to make their nests. The trees need the birds to help spread the seeds. Everything is so perfectly tuned for survival. There is no way this is a random occurrence which occurred because of chance and coincidence.

I ponder the explanations given by science, how the universe was created because of a random chance which caused the "Big Bang" which then created this perfectly ordered universe. It is so far fetched to me. How can a random act create order? Randomness begets randomness? There is nothing to create order. Chaos does not become orderly because of a random occurrence. That is like me saying my children behave and have sense of morality because they just happened to think of it. They did not learn morality and etiquette because of chance, but because of persistence and an orderly process of education, religion and parenting. None of those things are random. Quite to the contrary, very deliberate and intentional.

The green leaves of the trees converting carbon dioxide to oxygen by using sunlight. Oxygen which I need to breathe. As I exhale I release carbon dioxide which is needed by the plants for conversion of sunlight to glucose. How perfect! An incredible symbiotic relationship that randomly occurred? Nitrogen in the soil binding to the microfilaments of roots and absorbed and converted to nutrition for the plant which is then consumed by the cow which absorbs the nitrogen and stores it in the blood and flesh which I then consume as a juicy rare steak. I absorb the nitrogen and utilize it as an essential mineral necessary for my health. All random?

Why is it that we all love the beauty of nature. For those of us who live in the cities and do not get out into nature much, we yearn for it. Why? Whether or not we acknowledge God as our creator, our souls do. Our souls recognize the beauty of creation and our creator, God.

I climb to the peak of the mountain and I survey the valleys, lakes and other mountain peaks. Sometimes I can see as far as another state if the view is clear enough. I am belittled at how all things are intermingled and intertwined and can not exist without eachother. The grass cling to the rocks and with water, sunlight and time the rock becomes soil which is utilized by the larger plants and the cycle continues until we have beautiful meadows filled with trees. The snow melts and becomes water, which is filtered and purified as it trickles through the rocks, making it so clean we can drink it. The water provides an environment for fish, which I then catch and eat. Nature is bountiful. God's love is bountiful. He created this universe in which our planet exists.

He created this incredible Earth which provides us with everything we could desire or need. His abundance and love for humanity is abundant. We as humanity have a duty to be stewards to this Earth. It is so upsetting when I see exploitation of the Earth. Food can be farmed and restoration of the soil can occur at the same time. Animal husbandry can occur while maintaining a humane environment for the animal. We can mine for gold, silver, copper... and still restore to the earth what we have taken away. If we do all things for financial profit only, the Earth (God) will not continue to give to humanity. Resources will be depleted. God has provided us with this Earth and He will continue to provide us with all the resources we need, as long as we are good stewards of this Earth. One must balance profit with conservation. Never has it been more apparent than it is now. We are struggling with an Earth that is being exploited for profit, for personal gain and very little conservation is occurring. Humans can exist with this Earth and we can continue to reap from the Earth whatever resources we need, but we must restore and conserve them. Otherwise, the Earth will not continue to supply us with our needs.

God's desire to have a relationship with us is evident. He provides for us, and has created this incredible Earth for us. It does not take very much extra effort on our part to show God how much we appreciate this Earth and demonstrate our appreciation with stewardship.

Peace of the Lord be with you,

Agape

Abigail

Gallup, NM

Earlier today, my Aunt posted some pictures from her train ride from L.A. to Michigan. She posted pictures of NM and I instantly recognized the area. It reminded me of just last year when I was on assignment in Gallup, NM.

This is an interesting little town. Definitely caught between two cultures and eras. Gallup, NM is in the northwest corner of NM, about 10 miles from the Arizona state line along I-40. The Navajo Nation lies against the northern city limits of the city and the Zuni Nation is about 20 miles southwest of town. Gallup was founded as a railroad community and was named after the paymaster for the railroad. The railroad is still a major function of this town.

When we arrived it appeared as many other southwestern towns, poor, rundown and desperately trying to pull on the tourism industry. Other than the railroad, I couldn't discern what industry was driving the economy here.

My boys quickly fell in love with this town. Despite it's meager appearance, it had so much culture to offer. This town is definitely stuck in the early 1900's when the railroad was important for trade. There are many Indian trade stores along the main street. We had much enjoyment perusing these stores. Every night during the summer in the Town Square (which was only 2 blocks from where we were staying) there were Indian dances. The dancers would dance, discussions of the meaning of the dances would be embedded in the dances. Indian musicians would play the drums and flutes. This was a highlight of our day. We would make every effort to attend the dances. It was amazing how the whole town and tourists would surround this square for one hour and cultures would mingle harmoniously. Definitely God working His magic!

My one son reminisces about how we could, and would, walk everywhere. It is definitely a walking community. Everyone walks everywhere. It is a small city and many places were easier to walk to than drive. My boys would walk up to the hospital and visit me for lunch or come at the end of the shift and we would drive home together. We walked to Mass at the Cathedral on Sunday mornings. We walked to the library, store, you name it, we walked there.

One of the places we would routinely walk to was to the train tracks. We would sit on the wall and watch the trains come through. We would count how many cars were being pulled. Some trains would come through town traveling fast, others slow. We would see Amtrak and the boys would beg me take them on a train ride. We would watch the light signals and wager which track the train would be on. I even laid a couple of quarters and pennies on the track and we watched the trains run over the coins. After the train passed we would go pick up the coins and it was amazing how the coins would be pressed, distorted and smooth. We enjoyed sitting and watching the trains. It was simple entertainment, and great family bonding time. We would wander our way back to the house. Sometimes stopping for ice cream or a soda.

Culturally, things were very different. The population of the town is roughly 1/3 European, 1/3 hispanic and 1/3 American Indian. The architecture, and art was Indian and southwestern. Alcoholism was very predominant and it was not unusual to see drunk persons wandering the streets during the day, evening or night. The American Indians are very friendly, spiritual people. They see beauty everywhere and I always loved to hear them talk about nature and their relationship with nature.

Mother Earth, the female rains, the desert bride and other endearments they gave to the land, weather, seasons and geography. I think it is something that most of us Americans have lost. We do not look out our windows and see the geography around us and consider it our "Mother." That like a mother, it nurtures, feeds, shelters and loves us. If we did, we wouldn't be so willing to plumage and pillage the Earth. I was always very envious of the Indians when they would speak of nature. Their eyes would become distant and dreamy as they spoke of the world around them. They have a spirituality and depth of love for this Earth that I have never seen before. I understand why they have resentment and anger towards the Europeans who settled their land and didn't understand the strong connection to the Earth that they have.

The terrain and geography of the southwest is amazing. We went to several National Monuments and National parks, such as Chaco Canyon, El Morro, Canyon De Chelley, Fire and Ice, Mesa Verde...

Annually in Gallup, is the Inter Tribal Ceremony. We were able to go and watch the dances and peruse the vendors. We saw Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend who happened to be driving through town and stopped to attend the Ceremony. We drove out to Window Rock, AZ (The Capital of the Navajo Nation) on National Code Talker day. There was a celebration and dances at the Window Rock (A sacred rock formation with a window in it) honoring the Navajo Code Talkers who served in WWII and were quite possibly the reason we won the War of the Pacific.

I also learned how the American Indians live in third world conditions. I was appalled at how the United States has this dirty little secret. We are so concerned about the third world countries and the poverty they experience and yet, right here within our own borders we have millions of people who live without running water, no electricity, cook over a wood fire, and use outhouses. I was amazed. We wouldn't tolerate this kind of poverty and neglect in any city.

Here in the wealthiest nation we have a subculture who we just sweep under the rug. They are out on the reservations, so what the heck? They are governed by tribal laws, yet local, state and federal governments impede any kind of progress which allows these persons to have these basic amenities. I still do not understand how and why these people allow this to happen to them. Other than they have been so mistreated by the Europeans (Americans) who settled this land and made them walk the "Trail of Tears" to these reservations and here they remain, attempting to remain "Persons of the Earth" while struggling to be an American and live as a western society.

They are a simple, peaceful, spiritual people. We have never incorporated them into our society. We put them out on the reservations and have essentially forgotten about them. Their culture is strong and it thrives despite what the rest of the United States does. When ever I hear an African American or Hispanic American speak of how mistreated they are in American society, I am angered. These ethnic groups do not face the challenges the American Indians do.

I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to work amongst these people and serve them providing them with healthcare. These people gave more to me, culturally, spiritually and respectfully than I ever could give them in a lifetime. The beautiful land and the beautiful people of the Navajo and Zuni Nations who taught me about my nations history, culture and most of all about humanity. God bless them all.

Agape,

Abigail

Must have a personal relationship

Tonight, I am going to attempt to blog. Right now my house is filled with chaos. The boys are excited and anticipating the first snow of the year. Unfortunately, the storm has not arrived as anticipated by the weather man. So, every 2 seconds somebody is jumping up and looking out a window to see if the snow has started. Then the soliloquy's begin. "When it snows I am going to...." Needless to say, today's schoolwork is still in progress and I do not see it being completed any time soon. The other distractor seems to be the Matt Maher CD "Alive Again." If they are not talking about the impending snow they are singing lyrics from the CD. There is like this non stop chatter, singing, chatter thing going on. I am severely craving some quiet.

There is a restlessness in the house tonight. Even the cats and dog are in on it. The dog keeps looking out the window, maybe wondering what her pups (the boys) are looking at. The cats, who are usually very quiet and rarely seen, have been running around the house chasing each other. So, when the cats run by, the dog has to follow chase. Ever seen a Great Dane chase a cat around a house. It may seem amusing to an outsider, but very nerve racking to me. Kind of like a "bull in the china store" syndrome. So, for me tonight, concentration is at a premium.

Nonetheless, I will attempt this thought I have been pondering since Mass on Sunday. First of all, it is a small world. I am currently on assignment in Heber Valley/Park City UT. I have been trying to find a Catholic church to go to. Went to the Cathedral of the Madeleine in Salt Lake City. It is a beautiful Cathedral, the artwork in a southwest flair . Interesting architecture, artwork, but very impersonal and a long drive up and over the mountain.

Went to the church in Park City. That will be a one time experience. Did not appreciate the priest being openly disobedient to the Bishop and the Catholic Church. After his homily was about how he is openly gay and we are free to worship any way we want, he then wondered why there were not many kids enrolled in the RCIA program. Uh, duhh!!!!! Still scratching my head how this priest has been able to remain in the priesthood.

So, on to the little Catholic Church in Heber City whose only Mass is bilingual. I have to admit, I wasn't really all that thrilled about going. But, I believe it is important to spend time with God, and that communion is necessary to keep one's life in step with Christ. So, we went. And guess what? Just like Goldilocks, this one was just right. It was similar to my Parish in China Spring, TX, which is small. close knit, but very friendly to visitors. The Priest a young hispanic fellow who was obviously not an English speaker as his native tongue. He was little difficult to understand, but very personable, and the fire of God was within him and that made me very happy. After Mass I had a chance to speak with him and found out that a year ago he was a Priest in the Diocese of Austin, TX. HELLO! That is the Diocese where my Parish is located. Reminded by God that this world is smaller than we think. We reminisced for a few minutes about things back in TX. He reminded me of Fr. Guajardo at St.Philips in China Spring, TX. Very welcoming and very approachable.

During the sermon he mentioned to the congregation how we needed to have a personal relationship with God and that we need to teach our children to be prayerful and to lead by example. This Priest was not preaching to the choir. I believe whole heartedly. One must have a relationship with God. A prayer life. A way of knowing spiritually that God exists not just intelectually. St Anselm, in not so easy language, discussed how one must have a relationship with God. "True knowledge, which is never the fruit of aseptic thoughts, but of a contemplative intuition." - St Anselm.

I believe we need to have a prayer life. One can know all about God, read all about God, hear all about God, but will never "know God's existence" in their own life if they do not have a prayer life.

As parents it is even more important we have a prayer life. Our children are constantly watching us, deciding which behaviors they should follow. It is very difficult to tell a child to be prayerful and "Christian like" when we as parents don't even have a prayer life and we disregard our Christian beliefs and live a life "of this world." If we want our children to be followers of Christ we must lead them to Christ, and we lead them by example.

Dust off the Bible and open it. Read from it. Discuss it. God fordbid, a Catholic should memorize a verse or two like our Protestant counterparts. Learn the Ten Commandments and live by them. My boys are far from perfect, but they do have a moral compass unlike their peers. It is difficult to keep this compass pointed in the correct direction "The world," teases them and entices them and at times they do not know which path to take. They have given into temptation, but forgiveness occurs and then a frank and open discussion about why it is wrong in a Christian manner (10 Commandments) occurs. Living a life according to God, the Commandments, a family prayer life and setting an example will show your children how to have a relationship with God. We, ourselves, must have a prayer life and relationship with God, first.

So, my conclusion for tonight is. PRAY. At times, like tonight in my household, it may be difficult to find time for prayer, or soothe the savage, restless souls. And, of course, one can not spend all of their time in prayer, but one must incorporate it into their daily life. Right now I am praying that is snows before bedtime, because I do not think I will have the ability to get these boys into bed, otherwise. Second, One never knows where God wants us to be, so we must leave ourselves open to HIm to guide us. He guided us to St Lawrence Catholic Church in Heber City, UT which I honestly did not think it was going to be a good fit. But hey, what do I know. Obviously, God wanted us there. The Priest invited my boys to alter serve, since St. Lawrence didn't have any alter servers and my boys have been altar servers at St. Philips. I guess this will be our place of worship while we are on assignment here in UT.

Come snow, come.

LIFE IS EVANESCENT

This morning, as I was driving home from work, I witnessed a horrific accident between three semi trucks. Two of them, both pulling double trailers of fuel collided into a fiery plume of smoke and fire. The scariest thing about it, is not only was I the first vehicle behind these three trucks, I had minutes earlier thought about passing them up, but changed my mind and decided to drive a little slower than usual and enjoy the drive and the dawn that was breaking. If I had followed through on my original thoughts, I doubt I would be here recounting this drama.

So, let me back up. Last night, I pulled a twelve hour night shift. It was the perfect kind of busy. I was busy, but not so busy where I couldn't enjoy a little conversation and coffee. I helped deliver two babies during the shift, and was feeling a "nurses high." Similar to a "runner's high." When I walked out to the parking lot, there were several hot air balloons launching, the cold, near freezing mountain air filling my lungs, and the sun rising over the mountains, perfected my "high." I was blissfully "in the moment," truly feeling God's presence and wanting to remain in this moment as long as possible. I was tired, but feeling energized at the same time. I got into my car and put on some worship music and turned up the volume loud, so I could sing out as loud as I desired.

The trip home requires me to drive US Hwy 40 from Heber City, UT to Park City, UT where I then head East for a few miles to Deer Mountain, UT. The stretch from Heber City to Park City is about 10 miles and is a steady steep climb gaining about 3,000 feet in elevation. This stretch of highway is always busy with truck traffic, most of the trucks pull double trailers of fuel from the refineries to the distribution centers. Theses trucks due to their heavy loads are slow moving vehicles, traveling about 20-30 mph up the mountain. The posted speed limit is 65 and most personal vehicles are traveling 50-75 mph up the mountain, depending on how badly they want to stress the engines of their vehicles or be ticketed by the state police who patrol this stretch well.

I usually travel at about 55-60 mph up the mountain and do my best to stay in front of the slow moving trucks. This morning due to my "high" I was traveling a little slower than usual and was willing to remain behind the tankers. Approximately, half a mile ahead of me were three trucks. There were two double trailer tankers and a truck pulling an empty flat bed trailer. The one tanker, who was in the left lane, was able to maintain a faster speed than the other tanker, who was in the right lane. Behind the tanker in the right lane, was the truck pulling the empty flat bed trailer, and due to his light load was able to climb faster than the tanker in front of him. The Flat bed trailer pulled over into the left lane where the truck pulling a double tanker was in the process of passing him. The truck pulling the flat bed trailer obviously was not aware that the truck that just passed him had a second trailer in tow. This caused the the semi with the flat bed trailer to collide with the tanker in the left lane, who then drove off the road into the median and then jack-knifed and caused him to collide with the tanker in the right lane. Four tanks of fuel immediately erupted into a horrendous ball of flames and smoke.

I watched this whole thing take place right before me. I knew the accident was going to occur when I saw the truck with the flat bed trailer change lanes, unaware that the truck that was passing it had a second trailer. I was able to stop safely and I think the rest of the traffic realized that a collision was inevitable between these three vehicles, because traffic behind me and these trucks came to a quick stop without causing chaos or another collision.

As a nurse, it has become second nature to respond in an emergency or crisis. I don't think about it, I just respond. I was a paramedic before I had kids and always keep an emergency response kit in the trunk of the car. I have the knowledge, skill and equipment to respond, and yet, I can't even approach the scene to offer assistance due to the huge fire that is now blazing from spilled fuel. 911 was called and police, fire, ambulance and hazmat crews are dispatched and respond relatively quickly. The ambulance crews don't even bother with rescue and it was obvious that all were deceased when a hurst arrived on scene to take the remains to the county morgue. I am interrogated by the police and give my report of how the incident occurred. I get back into my car and breakdown.

I am frustrated by how all it takes is one persons stupidity to destroy, what is precious: life. I am ridden with guilt, because I wanted to help, I was capable to help, but I was unable to do anything, but watch. The nurse in me is angered that I had to standby and do nothing.

I am shaken to my core. I could have been caught up in that accident if I had not been content to just enjoy the drive. I think of how my children would have awoke to no mother returning home from work. They would have called work wondering why I was not home and would have begun to panic when they were told I left a while ago. How long would it be before they knew what happened to me. These three children who would have nobody to care for them. They would have been left parentless. I am sobbing at this point, unable to hold back the tears that are streaming down my face. I feel so vulnerable and exposed.

I am once again angered, by the stupidity of it all. One persons carelessness, altered the course of the lives of the three truck drivers and their families. I am left with the visual, auditory, and olfactory memories of the collision. I am unnerved by it all. So, thankful my guardian angel protected me and kept me behind these trucks instead of being in the midst of them. I weep tears for the families of the these three men. The wives, children, parents, siblings and all of those who loved these men and will miss them. I mourn for the loss and emptiness they will experience. I pray for the repose of the souls of these three men. I pray that their families will find comfort in the Lord, during this time of brokenness and healing. I pray that they forgive me for not doing anything to help.

I somehow make it home in a daze. I sit in the car and regain some sort of composure before going into the house. I find my children snug in their beds, unaware, innocent to the tragedy and near miss that could have robbed them of their mother. I kiss their faces, they stir slightly and open a sleepy eye. I tell them I love them and they snuggle back into their blankets and they drift back to sleep, comforted by the presence of their mother. I go to my room. I bury my face into my pillows and cry and release the tension, anxiety and fear. I ask for God to wrap his arms around me and allow me to cry on his shoulder. I ask him to protect me and my family.

I want to ask, "Why?," but don't. I know that God will not answer. The answer is not for me to know.

I take to my heart that life is a precious gift, that is tenuous and temporary; evanescent. Every day we live is an incredible gift that we should thank God for and show our thanks by loving our families and all of God's family. A reminder to cherish the ones we love.

Praise be to God, from whom all things come.

Agape

Abigail

Catechism

Sometimes, one of the ways we know we are growing or changing is by taking on challenges which scare us. For example, yesterday I took my boys to the Utah State Fair. After perusing the animal barns and the vendor booths, I let my boys go to the midway. The whole time we were there all they could talk about were which rides they were going to ride. So, when they were allowed to ride the rides they ran to the line of the scariest "thrill ride." Interestingly enough, as it came time to get on the ride, I could see that fear and anxiety were becoming an issue. True to their personalities they accepted or deferred the challenge of getting on the ride. My oldest, who is more cautious and more fearful backed out, just as it was time to hand over his tickets and get on the ride. He sheepishly walked back toward me and began to cry, because he was humiliated he was not brave enough. My middle son, who is my daredevil, got on, but he was not going to sit by his brother's. He was going to prove to everybody he was brave and could conquer any challenge on his own. My youngest son who, unwittingly, was duped by his brother's ended up on the ride sitting all by himself. I could tell by the look on his face that he was scared to death. I couldn't help but chuckle slightly as I realized his predicament. Then I worried if he wold tolerate the ride not having the encouragement of his brother's to remain brave, despite being scared to death. The ride started and I could see my youngest hanging on for dear life with pure terror on his face. Too scared to move, he just clung to the bar for dear life. My middle son was whooping and hollering having the time of his life and loving the independence of his bravery. When the ride was over and they disembarked the ride, my middle son was full of excitement and gave us a second by second reenactment of the ride. My youngest son, walked to me and very stoically informed me that the ride was very scary and he never wanted to ride it again. He didn't cry as I predicted. I was amazed how mature he was being about it. I had anticipated him to cry as soon as he got to me. He didn't. I was impressed how grown up he was about it and then had pangs of sorrow, my baby didn't need me, as much as I thought. He is growing up.

So, it is the same with our faith formation. I have been taking on newer tasks and responsibilities in regards to my faith formation and the faith formation of my children. And each time I take on a new aspect of my faith formation, I am riddled with anxiety. I turn to Christ and tell Him I am scared and like a parent he comforts me. I know I must mature and grow in my relationship with God. As I grow, my anxieties will decrease, and I will turn to Christ and tell Him that this is the scariest thing I have ever done but I will not cry. And unlike me, He won't cry that I don't need Him as much, because my need for Him will endure. I will simply change in how I need Him. Just as my son's need for me will endure, his need for me merely change.

My newest challenge is the reading of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. This is a document over 900 pages long and probes every aspect of Catholicism. No easy task. I have decided I need to do this to help me understand why I believe what I believe and also to teach my children. I am drawn to the Papal Encyclicals and writings from the scholars of the Church. In drawing closer to God, I need to know more about God. I realize this is a daunting task, but I am compelled to move forward with this task. I pray God will give me insight and endurance as I delve deeper into the mysteries of faith and then give me the ability to teach my children and others about what I have learned. To let the world know about God's intense and intimate love for each and everyone of us. I know God has a love for all of humankind and He desires all people to seek Him and grow in their love for Him.

This where I stand today. As I stare at this book in front of me. I am intimidated by it, yet intrigued to find out how I will find God's immense grace for me. I am moved to tears to think anyone could love such a broken and sinful person as me. This little person I am, being called by God to move toward a more personal relationship with the One who is the Great I am. My desire for God is written in my heart and the truth and happiness I seek can only be found in God. I just want to mover ever closer to the heart of my God. He calls and I must follow. How much scarier can that be!

May the blessings of God be upon you all,

In the loving arms of Christ and the Father,

Agape,

Abigail

and a sword will pierce your own heart Luke 2: 35

Then Simeon blessed them and said to his mother Mary, "This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Isreal, and to be a sign that will be opposed so that the inner thoughts of many will be revealed - and a sword will pierce your own soul too." Luke 2: 34-35

Mary, my Blessed Mother, oh how your soul was pierced by the sword as you suffered at the feet of your Son on the cross.

The Blessed Virgin Mary is honored and revered by Catholics. Her humility, obedience and then suffering gives us a role model of true obedience to Him. I myself ask Mary to intercess for me and my children. I know that as a, mother, Mary knows the challenges that I face, the frustration and the sorrow that I encounter. The vulnerability of the souls of my children in this world where God is dismissed is protected by the Holy Mother , who intercesses on my behalf to her Son, Jesus Christ. I pray that I have the love and strength to parent my children through all the difficulties as Mary did.

I am always almost brought to tears when I think of Mary watching her son being beaten, tortured and then crucified on the cross. But, as always God brings us grace through suffering. Mary suffered so she could finish her purification and path to holiness and be worthy of God. For she is the mother of His son. Never did she say no to Him. Maybe through my challenges and suffering as a mother I can be cleansed and purified and made worthy of God and learn obedience to God.

Agape

Abigail Ferrill

He will capture every eye; Even those who pierced Him through will not be able to avert their eyes.

He will capture every eye; Even those who pierced Him through will not be able to avert their eyes. All the nations of the earth will be pierced with grief when He appears. Revelations 1: 7. Jesus know us all whether we are Christian or not. And as John reveals in revelations we will all recognize Jesus when he returns. We will all be stricken with remorse for our sins when he returns. John in Revelations tells us about the end of the world and the return of Christ. There are so many interpretations of this Book in the Bible. I am not even going to attempt to give my interpretation. I merely want to write about a message which is consistent in many of John's writings and this scripture. Sin and forgiveness.

My one son had a bad habit of shoplifting. He would steal candy, gum or some small item from the store. Even when confronted about it, he would not ever admit he was doing something wrong. Of course, as mother I would chastise him, he went to confession, I even had a police officer speak to him about stealing. He persisted until he was caught by store security. A few weeks after the incident we were talking about God and sin and he asked if would be banned from Heaven because of stealing. We talked about sin and confessing our sins to God and the purpose of confession.

As a Catholic Confession is an important sacrament to me. It is a chance to relieve myself of the guilt which weighs me down, but also allows me to return to a life with Christ. The examination of conscience offers me a chance to see what areas of my life I need to work on to improve myself. There is such a wonderful release which comes after confession.

We have all seen the movies where the person goes into the confessional, blesses them self and recites "Father forgive me for I have sinned..." Confession is so much more than that. Confession is a cleansing of the soul, blessing of the soul and reuniting with Christ and unlike the movies depiction, "Father" refers to God the Father, not the Priest.

This is a brief description of how a Catholic confesses sin. Before confession, there is an examination of self or conscience. This is when one reflects on their life recent or distant and think about when they were not living a life according to God. The examination of conscience is a process of going through the 10 commandments and deciding if you have violated any of the commandments. These are the sins which need to confessed. There is a lot of literature which can be found in Catholic Churches or Catholic websites which aid in the examination of self and conscience. The penitent (person confessing sins) then says a prayer to prepare them self for confession.

Receive my confession, O most loving and gracious Lord Jesus Christ, only hope for the salvation of my soul. Grant to me true contrition of soul, so that day and night I may by penance make satisfaction for my many sins. Savior of the world, O goodJesus, Who gave Yourself to the death of the Cross to save sinners, look upon me, most wretched of all sinners; have pity on me, and give me the light to know my sins, true sorrow for them, and a firm purpose of never committing them again.

The Penitent then goes to the Priest to confess their sins. Most people are taught to begin with "Father forgive me for I have sinned. It has been ______ since my last confession." This is a good way to start, it begins the dialogue. One must know/remember that the Priest (Father) is only a mediary for the confession, he guides the penitent to confess the sins and to help the penitent to realize what leads them to their sin and assist them with not repeating the sins. The confession is being said for the "Father" - God! The Priest prays with the penitent, gives counsel and discusses penance to be served.

The penitent then prays the Act of Contrition.

O my God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart.
In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good,
I have sinned against You, Whom I should love above all things.
I firmly intend, with Your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us.

In his name, my God, have mercy.

There are many versions of this prayer, this is the version I use. The priest then offers to God a prayer for absolution of sin and then a blessing for the penitent. The penitent is then free to go and serve there penance.

We are so encumbered by our human selves that we forget God already knows are transgression, He knows if we are sorry, or not, for our sins. What He wants is for us to show Him we are willing to humble ourselves by confessing verbally with a member of our Church "Family" and are we obedient by fulfilling our penance. The opening of our souls and laying it bare at the feet of Christ who died for all of our sins is such a sweet release and allows us to walk hand in hand with Jesus. We can not do this when we are filled with sin because Christ is pure and he does not walk with sin. So, to walk with Jesus we must free our selves form sin. Confession!

God loves all of us and wants a relationship with us. He forgives (unlike us flawed humans) even the worst of sinners if they are truly contrite. God will always forgive us, and like a child being forgiven by their parent, there is a relief of guilt which comes from forgiveness. Forgiveness!

So what I told my son about his thieving was simple. I reminded him of God's love for all of us, and told him "If you are truly sorry for your sin, you confessed your sin, will avoid the sin and serve your penance, then God has forgiven you. He will not ever bar the gates of heaven from a true believer." He seemed relieved to know he was forgiven, not only by me, but by God as well.

A powerful reminder to me, how important it is for all of us to know we are flawed and we NEED forgiveness. Our humanity takes us away from Christ, yet, something as simple and difficult (humility and obedience) as confession can move us closer to God. The sweet release, the peace of soul which is offered when walking hand in hand with Christ.

Confession and Forgiveness! Great blessings from God!

To do what we are ordained by God to do.

As a child we always ask "Why?" whenever we are told to do something. Of course as a parent we respond "Because I told you to." As a child of God it is no different.

It is so difficult to do what we are told. Our selfishness, pride and willfulness leads us to be defiant. Our society rewards us for being defiant, the rebel, or the maverick. But what we want, or desire, or what society rewards or encourages is often different than what God wants us to do.

God calls us to Him and the closer we get to Him the more He asks and demands of us. It is obedience which He asks of us. But not only are we children of God, we are children of this world and this division tears us between obeying or doing what we desire. "Our Father...Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven..." God's will be done here on Earth. That means we are called to do God's will while we are here on Earth.

For some of us that is to be mothers, fathers, missionaries, Priests, Deacons, prayer partners...

No matter what God has ordained of us, we are to do it, because, He has willed it. Because, "He said so."

As parents we are to live our life according to God and we guide our children by leadership from God. Why? because, "He said so." Wives are to follow the guidance and leadership of their husbands who guide and lead them from the leadership of God, because, "He said so."

This submissive obedience is God shaping us and perfecting us. It is a breaking away from our selfishness and wordliness and preparing us for our eternal life. This is doing what we are ordained to do as God has planned for us.

I struggle with this submissive obedience. I like many persons of this world struggle with obeying God and allowing His will to be done and not my will. When I get stuck in this struggle, and I am usually losing the struggle, I am reminded by God as to who is the boss. And when I surrender, it amazes me how all things begin to improve. I am humbled by His power and His desire to lead me. I have to continue to work on my willfulness. The closer I get to God the richer and fuller my life becomes. It does not overshadow the fact that each step closer also means more is demanded of me and don't forget the devil. He will tempt me and try to get between God and I. The struggle, obedience and surrendering to God is not easy, but the rewards are great.

Agape,

Abigail

The Devil

Yesterday I had a total meltdown. I just could not get things accomplished, and every time I encountered an obstacle I would break down and cry. Well, for me that is extremely unusual. I rarely ever cry and when I get frustrated I usually shake it off and move forward. As a travel nurse it is not unusual to pack up and move to the next assignment. So, why was it so difficult this time? I do not know. I feel the Devil was working on me. It felt as if I was totally alone. The kids freaked out because they never see mom cry. Then the dog freaked out when I packed up her crate and then the cats went crazy. It was as if some sort of evil spirit had possessed my home.

At one point in the midst of the confusion and agitation I went to my laptop and opened my Itunes and put on some music. The first song that played was from the album Abba Pater, a CD from the Year of the Jubilee with Pope John Paul's sermons put to music. The Pope's words "Do not be afraid." Hello, lightbulb went off. This was not the work of God and despite the fact I was feeling very alone, I wasn't. My day continued to be full of aggravation, but when I reached the point of no return, I reminded myself I was not alone. When I went to bed, I was exhausted from battling with the Devil. I went to prayer and fell asleep. Not so sure that counts as prayer. I slept hard for about 3 hours and then I was awake for the rest of the night. Big difference though. A sense of peace. I was able to get so much more accomplished today and there were no big freak out sessions for anyone in the house. God carried me through the day, yesterday. Poor guy, I was putting up quite a fight. Only to prove the strength of God and His willingness to carry us. With sleep came peace and a new day.

Within your wounds conceal me. Do not permit me to be parted from you. From the evil foe protect me.

Prayer connects us to God.

Agape,

Abigail

Father Corapi

I have posted some video of Father Corapi to the site. I invite you to view the videos. Father Corapi is an inspiration and a great asset to the Catholic Church. His speeches are powerful. I am always humbled and inspired when I hear him. I have seen him speak once and that was an incredible experience. His bald head, powerful male voice only enhance the message. Enjoy, and be inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Hopeful to leave today for Park City.

May the peace of the Lord be with you all,

Agape,

Abigail

Whom shall I follow

I have been packing and preparing for our move to Park City, UT where my next contract is located. Will attempt to blog as frequently as possible but until I have a place to stay and get settled, approx 1 week, I am not sure if I will be able to blog. It will be nice to be close to my friend Justin. He lives in SLC and we have been friends for a long time, but distance has prevented a relationship, so being just 30 miles away, maybe we will have a chance to find out if a relationship is a possibility. Really stressing out because there is so much to do. I think we were in Denver too long. We are a little too settled. I don't remember the move from Gallup, NM to Denver being quite so stressful and I don't remember as much stuff. well time is limited, so here is my thoughts for today. They are a little weak at the moment. I was much more inspired earlier when I had energy. But now all I can think of is sleep.

John's Gospel, "To whom shall I follow?" It is amazing how the answers are right in front of us and yet we don't hear or see them. Our blindness and deafness prevents us from knowing God. Particularly struck by how Jesus gives us the choice to follow Him. He doesn't beg us, plead with us or try to make a deal or marketing strategy to get us to be His disciples. He is a "take it or leave it" kind of guy. Either you chose to believe and follow or choose not to believe and find your own way. He doesn't ever tell us it will be an easy road to follow. He simply tells us the rewards are great and we can spend eternity with Him and the Father. My son, who has been struggling with believing, heard the word of God today and was touched by the message. He actually had a brief moment of surrendering to God, but continues to struggle. I know God is working in Him and he will know God. "As for me and my house, we will follow the Lord."

Agape,

Abigail

Days like today!

Today, I am tired. I am usually tired after being up all day with the boys and then up all night at work. I come home walk the dog, feed the kids and then collapse and go comatose for 3-4 hours. I wake up and get going with the day. Homeschooling, preparing meals and then heading off to work again. It drains me physically, and I become prone to bad behavior. I am grumpy, cranky and tend to be less patient. It is days like to today that I need God to work His grace in me. I am at my weakest and most human moments when I am tired, and I become more like the person I do not want to be. I have to remind myself that God is shaping me and my children. This is when surrendering is the most difficult. I don't want to change. It is easier to remain the way I am. It is easier! I do not how to change when I am tired and can barely accomplish day to day tasks, let alone, work on my spiritual formation. I know if I ask God for the strength He will give it to me. I need to listen harder and pay closer attention to the whispering in my ear. I have decided to go to prayer today and see if God can help me with being more loving and patient with my children on days like today.

God's Grace to all,

Agape

Abigail

Lay your suffering at the feet of Jesus

Well, Here I am again. Got my Macbook back, thank God!!!!! And I mean thank God. Nobody (none of the kids) is confessing to dropping the Macbook. Laptop had to be sent off to the shop to be fixed. Very thankful and so are the kids that it was under warranty. $400 to repair. The kids know how irate I would have been if I had to pay for the repairs. Probably why nobody is confessing. That, and it is ILLEGAL to touch mom's laptop without express permission. I was dependent on the old PC which will soon be replaced by an Apple computer. It was state of the art a few years ago but has become such a slow clunker of a PC. So, I am reminded how much I enjoy my Mac and how dependent I have become to it.

I was FBing earlier when a friend from the other side of the planet started a chat. Mind you, this is a very dear friend and despite being separated by thousands of miles we are never far from each other's thoughts and heart. Distance, culture, economics and geography has always been an obstacle but the conversation always starts where it last ended. My friend was on vacation for most of July. Due to where she was vacationing, there is no internet provider, I doubt cell phone service and possibly limited electricity. No, she did not vacation in a 3rd world country, just a remote area of Norway, which is the country where she lives.

She was obviously refreshed from her vacation. The conversation was lively and then she dropped a bomb. A bomb of incredible good news. I only know tidbits of it, she states the rest is to come. She is planning to come to the U.S. and it sounds permanent. My dearest friend and I on the same continent. (I am on the verge of tears of happiness when I write this.) This is a dream come true for both of us. I told her about the spiritual and emotional fight that I had been experiencing. I told her how she was the 1st of the many good things God had shown me in my dreams to come true. It renewed my belief that I am doing what God wants. God works in so many different ways, it always amazes me. How can anyone refute his existence.

2nd topic:

My eldest son is grappling with believing in God. He is like the apostle Thomas who needed evidence that Jesus was alive. My son is so grounded in needing concrete, tangible , tactile, in the real world proof that God exists. I think the Devil is at work here. I continue to call upon St Michael the archangel, St Joseph the father of Jesus, the priest from our parish to continue to show my son that God and Jesus are real.

My son, who battles with Bipolar disorder is always asking why God made him this way. I believe his disorder is his blessing and his salvation. He sees it as his burden. I believe we all suffer in some way, be it physical, emotional, financial, etc... We are given a burden to carry, such as Jesus, who carried His own cross. This suffering is what draws us nearer to God or further if we choose. I suggest he go to prayer and I offer to pray with him, but he just replies why would I want to talk to Mr perfect. My heart breaks when he says this. Because Jesus was not perfect. He was human, flesh and blood and He suffered a horrible death. Dying displayed on a cross between 2 thieves with a crowd hackling and jeering at Him. Yet, His death was the salvation for all of those who hated Him and chanted for His Crucifixion. How incredible, salvation for mankind manifested through the death of the earthly body of God's son. I know the pain, cry the tears that His mother cried as she was at His feet and watched Him suffer and die. I watch my son suffer and I am as helpless as Mary was on that day. In a way I am watching my son die a spiritual death and I know that rebirth can be found through the Holy Trinity. I pray to God, petition the saints and angels to begin the conversion of his heart to return to Jesus, where his heart and soul will find peace.

For all of those who suffer, have faith. Take your suffering and pain and lay them at the feet of Jesus. He will take your pain and suffering and he will renew you. Go to prayer and ask Jesus to be in your life and ask Him to take your suffering and pain. He has already suffered for all of humanity and he will take your suffering and give you new life in Him.

God's Blessing to all

Agape

"I was looking outside, As if love would ever want to hide"

"I was looking outside, As if love would ever want to hide," are lyrics from Matt Maher's song Alive Again. So simple, and so profound. I never thought about it, but why would love want to hide. Yet, we as people are constantly looking outside ourselves to find love and never bother to look inside ourselves and realize we are the genesis for love. We have the ability to love and the more we love the more love we create. It is exponential and it feeds upon itself. The ability to love comes from within us and yet we look outside ourselves. We look for love and acceptance from people, things and places. Why? Love does not want to hide, yet we hide it. We withhold love, we prevent persons from knowing us and loving us or we just refuse to accept love. It is a blindness or deafness we create. Supposedly, to protect ourselves from being hurt.

Yet, those who have taken the precarious step to love others and ignore the harrowing dangers of rejection find themselves surrounded by more love and respect than they ever could have imagined. I am reminded of Blessed Mother Theresa of Calcutta, who left her Order of Nuns and went out onto the streets of Calcutta and began ministering to the poorest of the poor. She ministered to the street urchins whom nobody else would go near. Before she knew what was happening she had her own Order of Nuns, and more love, adoration and respect than she ever expected. Eventually, she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. She found love inside of herself and gave it away freely.

It is the same kind of love that a mother experiences when she holds her child for the first time. It just spontaneously occurs. A profound love which binds a mother to her child for a lifetime and is what enables a mother to love her child no matter what their faults are. This is a love which comes from God. It is never ending and it is spontaneous and reproducable.

I myself am at fault for withholding love and looking everywhere but inside of myself to find love. I am probably one of the world's worst. I do not want my heart broken again. What kind of fool do you think I am? There is a safe feeling with being alone. It is cold and calculated and I am in complete control. I only have myself to blame and I do not have to face criticism or possibly rejection. I am strong and powerful. I keep my heart locked up tight behind a fortress any military defense system would be jealous of. No one is going to break my heart the way my ex husband did! I say that and then I instantly feel the pains of the loneliness I have brought upon myself. I think of the men whom I have dated and think of how I pushed them away by withholding love. I never allowed them to know me, nor did I allow God into the relationship. Lessons learned? Hopefully. Only the future will tell how this current relationship will go. I have to work very hard at allowing myself to be vulnerable, to allow myself to love and to ask God to do His will. Which is why these lyrics hit me so squarely in the jaw. It is so humiliating and humbling to submit myself to God, and yet when I do, God always blesses me in ways I never anticipated. To find myself in a more perfect union with God, I have to look within myself to find the never ending fountain of love which God placed within me.

Love is not hidden from us, we simply hide it from ourselves. God wants to love us and have a relationship with us. We simply have to surrender to Him and accept Him. "As if love would ever want to hide!" Why should it, it is a gift given to humanity.

You want me to do what???!!!!!

So, Welcome to my blog.

I am sure those who know me are probably wondering "Why a blog?" Why one about my struggle with surrendering my life to God. Like, who cares! Well, one person cares and He is the reason I have started this venture.

For those who have experienced God and Christ in their life, they know it is a struggle. It is difficult to live in this world, to live in the here and now, and somehow balance that with moving towards one's ethereal eternal life. I stuggle with this daily. I try to be the best, Catholic, homeschooling, mother I can be, while attempting to be a good employee, a competent and trustworthy nurse (my profession), a good Catholic and attempting to lead my children to God. Did I mention I am single/divorced and rearing these children alone. How does one cram all of this into one life, one day, one hour. I don't know. That is why I struggle.

I want those who also struggle to know they are not alone.

I came to truly know God as an adult. I was raised Catholic and my faith was improtant to me, but not important enough to interfere with my life. I rarely went to Mass, did not observe the holy days of obligation, feast days and really knew nothing more than the basics about Catholicism. Then I hit a roughspot in my life. I struggled with my decisions and kept on ignoring God. But God is persistent and He did not give up on me. I heard Him calling me and I only gave in when it was oppurtune for me. I slowly allowed Him into my life. I continued to struggle with my faith and my decisions. God began to send people into my life who were people of faith and He began His biggest transformation in me. Sometimes it was quick and other times it was slow and burdensome. I have come to learn more about my faith and have found that I have to have God in my life. But, I fail. When things get going easy, I forget about him and think I have complete control of my life. Then god gives me a "shake," a "wake up call," and forces me to take my faith to the next level. That is what is happening here. God, pretty much gave me a slap in the face, a reality check.

I was listening to some music, a new single release by a favored Catholic musician. I was compelled to replay the song over and over again. I just could not figure out why I needed to hear it again and again. The tears began to flow and the words of the song spoke to me. They did not speak in a soft and gentle way, they yelled at me and completly unsettled me. I struggled with what did God want with me. I am just trying to trudge my way through life, leave me alone why don't ya! I felt the fight in me, the struggle, the need to know God better, yet I wanted to stay in my safe place. God was telling me I needed to move out of my safe place and surrender myself to Him. How scary! To give up control of my life. I am a control freak. I need to know I have control over everything.

I could not fall asleep that night, and when I did my dreams were filled with unsettling images of my life and my tenuous and failed realtionships. These dreams kept repeating and when I got up in the morning I was more exhausted than when I went to bed. I could not stop thinking about what God was trying to tell me. I was plagued all day. The lyrics of the song kept coming to mind. The next night the dreams occurred again, this time they ended differently. In my dreams I was a messenger for God. I told people of my struggle with surrendering myself to him and how my life changed forever when I did. My life became blessed. Many of my struggles ended and my relationships improved. Even the relationship with my children improved.

When I awoke in the morning I knew I needed a way to speak to people and let them know of God's love. But how? Like always, God caught me off gaurd. My laptop was having problems and I had an appointment to take the computer in for diagnostics. While I was waiting for the technician to figure out what was wrong with my laptop, I began wandering around the store looking at the displays of new computers and features. There it was! It was like I just got smacked in the face. God pointed his finger and said "There is your venue. use your gift of writing and storytelling and spread the message." I just stood there. I was frozen with fear and anxiety. What the heck! I have never blogged before or even thought about blogging. It plagued me all day today until I began figuring out how to create my own blog. And, lo and behold, the more I type, the more I feel God's grace upon me. God's grace is enough for me. That is all the motivation I need.