You want me to do what???!!!!!

So, Welcome to my blog.

I am sure those who know me are probably wondering "Why a blog?" Why one about my struggle with surrendering my life to God. Like, who cares! Well, one person cares and He is the reason I have started this venture.

For those who have experienced God and Christ in their life, they know it is a struggle. It is difficult to live in this world, to live in the here and now, and somehow balance that with moving towards one's ethereal eternal life. I stuggle with this daily. I try to be the best, Catholic, homeschooling, mother I can be, while attempting to be a good employee, a competent and trustworthy nurse (my profession), a good Catholic and attempting to lead my children to God. Did I mention I am single/divorced and rearing these children alone. How does one cram all of this into one life, one day, one hour. I don't know. That is why I struggle.

I want those who also struggle to know they are not alone.

I came to truly know God as an adult. I was raised Catholic and my faith was improtant to me, but not important enough to interfere with my life. I rarely went to Mass, did not observe the holy days of obligation, feast days and really knew nothing more than the basics about Catholicism. Then I hit a roughspot in my life. I struggled with my decisions and kept on ignoring God. But God is persistent and He did not give up on me. I heard Him calling me and I only gave in when it was oppurtune for me. I slowly allowed Him into my life. I continued to struggle with my faith and my decisions. God began to send people into my life who were people of faith and He began His biggest transformation in me. Sometimes it was quick and other times it was slow and burdensome. I have come to learn more about my faith and have found that I have to have God in my life. But, I fail. When things get going easy, I forget about him and think I have complete control of my life. Then god gives me a "shake," a "wake up call," and forces me to take my faith to the next level. That is what is happening here. God, pretty much gave me a slap in the face, a reality check.

I was listening to some music, a new single release by a favored Catholic musician. I was compelled to replay the song over and over again. I just could not figure out why I needed to hear it again and again. The tears began to flow and the words of the song spoke to me. They did not speak in a soft and gentle way, they yelled at me and completly unsettled me. I struggled with what did God want with me. I am just trying to trudge my way through life, leave me alone why don't ya! I felt the fight in me, the struggle, the need to know God better, yet I wanted to stay in my safe place. God was telling me I needed to move out of my safe place and surrender myself to Him. How scary! To give up control of my life. I am a control freak. I need to know I have control over everything.

I could not fall asleep that night, and when I did my dreams were filled with unsettling images of my life and my tenuous and failed realtionships. These dreams kept repeating and when I got up in the morning I was more exhausted than when I went to bed. I could not stop thinking about what God was trying to tell me. I was plagued all day. The lyrics of the song kept coming to mind. The next night the dreams occurred again, this time they ended differently. In my dreams I was a messenger for God. I told people of my struggle with surrendering myself to him and how my life changed forever when I did. My life became blessed. Many of my struggles ended and my relationships improved. Even the relationship with my children improved.

When I awoke in the morning I knew I needed a way to speak to people and let them know of God's love. But how? Like always, God caught me off gaurd. My laptop was having problems and I had an appointment to take the computer in for diagnostics. While I was waiting for the technician to figure out what was wrong with my laptop, I began wandering around the store looking at the displays of new computers and features. There it was! It was like I just got smacked in the face. God pointed his finger and said "There is your venue. use your gift of writing and storytelling and spread the message." I just stood there. I was frozen with fear and anxiety. What the heck! I have never blogged before or even thought about blogging. It plagued me all day today until I began figuring out how to create my own blog. And, lo and behold, the more I type, the more I feel God's grace upon me. God's grace is enough for me. That is all the motivation I need.